Lived Experience Forum

[Ici]

I know that is a selfish heading, but as a person... I just don't. I am useful for other people. I am convenient. I am someone who validates the needs of others.

As a single entity, I don't matter. My life is that cĺiche no good deed goes unpunished. I seem to exist as a empty shell that just is there. Need a dog driven 3000kms, ok. Oh cat too? Sure why not. You're drowning at work, yes I will sign on, don't worry about the fact that this climate causes me pain. Sleep is overrated. Sure I can pretend this is benefiting me if you feel better. Need not to feel guilty? Ok! Look at all these skills I am acquiring for a job I don't want! It's great. 

Oh sorry I left town for a couple days and it went longer, there was this crisis. I'm sorry you are inconvenienced!! This wasn't the plan. You're right of course I only exist because someone else needs something, how could I dare take time away and not be there for you to point out how I never do anything?

Well yes, I thought a vacation would be nice, I need some beauty in my life right now because I am empty inside, I have nothing left. But of course your needs come first, it is too late anyway, the places I want to see are closed now, won't reopen for months. I don't matter, and of course I know how inconvenient my staying to help you has been!! The hire car is expensive to be sure!! What can I do? I leave and I let you down. I stay I am a burdensome expense. 

Yes I know I am still gone, it is terribly inconvenient for you. I know I should be back so you can explain how inconsiderate I am. I know I can't come back because I prove I am unreliable. I know I am nothing but a disappointment either way.

- I don't matter. I don't exist beyond what those around me need of me. Even then, I am only a point of discontent.

I am so tired, my pain so constant, I don't want to stay, I can't go. I try to find beauty around me. I try to find something to give me matter. All I find is pain. Oh well.

I don't matter anyway

[Dockers6]

Ici,
Welcome to the forum.

Im one of the moderators here, Dockers6, I am sorry to hear your in such pain, and thank you for sharing such a intimate honest dialogue. I've sent you an email checking in.

Dockers6

[Powderfinger]

@Ici  I feel you have a keen awareness that whomever is behaving this way towards you I'd out of bonds and not within their right to treat you like this. There misery and happiness are not your problem ever, even though they make it so. 

I know it will be hard, you are already torn. Perhaps, might be time to consider leaving for good and getting some much needed space to attend to you and your needs. You may get to a point where you are do fatigued/burnt out you can't do much at all. Not a good place to be. Been there and it's hell. Have a think about it. 

Take good care. 

[Ici]

@Dockers6 @ Thank you for the email. It was kind of you. My phone battery won't hold out long enough to call those lines (I tried) The only person here is one of the ones mentioned above. I will live, I will lay here and think on all the things I won't do because even though it helps, it is "wrong" and I will go to work tomorrow and continue to matter only as others need me to
Thank you for your kindness.

[Ici]

@Powderfinger Thank you.

Yes it is out of bounds entirely in one case, in the other... it was supposed to be a semi vacation. I was supposed to have those moments of peace. All I have is pain. I have heat triggered fibromyalgia, I am in the Kimberleys for 6 weeks, 4 down, 2 too go. My ideal temperature is 16°C here we are routinely hitting 43. I don't sleep because- pain. I was holding on to that one bright point, you know? I was going to Karijini, I would camp near those amazing waterways and spend days taking photos. Too late. Such a stupid thing to break over. But there it is. Reward gone, pain is left.

Thank you for your kindness

[Maggie]

@Ici  Welcome.

I can hear your pain and disappointment, and I’m sorry.

You do sound tired. I understand to well the heat problem. My max is 19, after that it’s tough going, especially dealing with pain.

I just want to tell you.....you do matter.

[Lostandalone]

Welcome to the forums @Ici 

I am sorry to hear things are tough and you are feeling this way

i wish I had done wise words of wisdom to help you... but I don't.... but I feel your pain.. and can totally relate to how you are feeling 

[Powderfinger]

@Ici 

When you are in a calmer place and less pain, read over my post as many times as you need too. Let the words permeate you. Let your cogs turn in a different direction. There are so many people in the world like you have described. I'm sure each and every person has been touched by just one of them. 

No matter the complexity of it, the day comes when one decides it's time to go. The choice of which day that is and how you go about it, will be up to you. 

It will take time to undo the conditioning and beliefs, but it won't happen by staying in this person's life. 

I walked away from my mother in December last year. One of the hardest and most painful things I've done in my life. I've not recovered. It was necessary. It hurt, I have had an extremely rough year. I just could not see any other way. Hard to grow and change when you stay stuck in the old. 

Good luck and take care. 

[Ici]

@Powderfinger @Lostandalone @Maggie @Dockers6 

Thank you all for your support. I called my dad this morning (the one guilting me for being away) and informed him that it is officially "Be Nice November" and that he is to keep anything unsupportive including tone to himself this month. He either cheers me on or we don't talk.

I called my friend that I am helping up here and declared a mental health day, her answer was that she owes me so many hours that she would find a way to have me paid anyway.

I medicated myself to the gills so am dopey but numb, the pain is still there but blocked enough that I am coping. 

I am glad I am home, my friend/boss called to tell me I had to get to the office NOW when I said I couldn't drive she told me that a client we were worried about has passed away so at least I am home and already numb for that (I work in disability services and expect to be furious later as we had tried to have him hospitalised last week but were blocked by local Drs who booted us from his case and delayed him getting help) he had a massive heart attack and we will never know if they could have saved him if he was getting inpatient care.

Again thank you all for your kindness.

[Maggie]

@Ici  I’m sorry to hear you have had a client pass away. All those questions now in your mind.

” Be Nice November “ sounds good to me.

I hope the gills medication helps. Some rest sounds needed.

I hope you don’t worry about your client passing, you did all you could.

Take care.