Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Faith-and-Hope

I've been trying to find this post, glad I've found it !! the reason why I havent been on so much is because of my husband's messiness, he is always my prority...... and I read your message with a lot of compassion and also..oh, yes, Im exactly there.

Or not.

When I re....met my husband, his relaionship with his Mother was oh, so dysfunctional. EVery Sunday, he would have to catch a train/bus to his Mums for lunch where he would scream and yell at her so he would be kicked out while she told him to leave. Sometimes the luch went well and she would offer to drive him whereever he was living. 

Saw the same Gp

She would and does financially help her daughter, would refuse to give him any money for a bit of help

When I re.....met him, he was living this lonely, feral, poor life in his little studio unit. And then I took him to see my Psychotherapist. 

For 2 years, began my nightmare with her. He ended up in jail because he was trying to quit drinking and drugs but he was falling into Psychosis, I would be on the phone demanding him to get to hospital, he needed a very strong detox centre to take him in (nothing happened) and my MIL....just awful. She was blaming ME for him going to jail,,,,,,,,

So he gets out and after 3 months, I get a restraining order on him, My MIL sees lawyers to see if she could get my car off me because it was a wedding present, I sent her the settlement...thinking it was over. And he writes me a letter two years later saying he quit the lot. Could we be friends??

A year later and we are back together. He's seeing a different Doctor too !! WE meet for coffee with his Mum once per month, one month where we live and one month near where she lives. 

I get very scared easily with her. But she tells me that she loves me. She listens to me. I'm still scared of her but much of that is my mental daily wellbeing. and having a mother who is a Psychopath and narcissist.

On your husband/partner, it feels that you are doing what I did: being aware of the daily goings on 

But you need to take care for yourself first. And it's what you do, like me and so many others here....

In that I mean; focusing and writing down your short term

Medium term

Long term goals

Sorry im getting really tired and Im just happy we reconnected, please always say hi, You are a very cleaver lady, I've been reading your posts..........

Anne x

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Faith-and-Hope

I've been trying to find this post, glad I've found it !! the reason why I havent been on so much is because of my husband's messiness, he is always my prority...... and I read your message with a lot of compassion and also..oh, yes, Im exactly there.

Or not.

When I re....met my husband, his relaionship with his Mother was oh, so dysfunctional. EVery Sunday, he would have to catch a train/bus to his Mums for lunch where he would scream and yell at her so he would be kicked out while she told him to leave. Sometimes the luch went well and she would offer to drive him whereever he was living.

Saw the same Gp

She would and does financially help her daughter, would refuse to give him any money for a bit of help

When I re.....met him, he was living this lonely, feral, poor life in his little studio unit. And then I took him to see my Psychotherapist.

For 2 years, began my nightmare with her. He ended up in jail because he was trying to quit drinking and drugs but he was falling into Psychosis, I would be on the phone demanding him to get to hospital, he needed a very strong detox centre to take him in (nothing happened) and my MIL....just awful. She was blaming ME for him going to jail,,,,,,,,

So he gets out and after 3 months, I get a restraining order on him, My MIL sees lawyers to see if she could get my car off me because it was a wedding present, I sent her the settlement...thinking it was over. And he writes me a letter two years later saying he quit the lot. Could we be friends??

A year later and we are back together. He's seeing a different Doctor too !! WE meet for coffee with his Mum once per month, one month where we live and one month near where she lives.

I get very scared easily with her. But she tells me that she loves me. She listens to me. I'm still scared of her but much of that is my mental daily wellbeing. and having a mother who is a Psychopath and narcissist.

On your husband/partner, it feels that you are doing what I did: being aware of the daily goings on

But you need to take care for yourself first. And it's what you do, like me and so many others here....

In that I mean; focusing and writing down your short term

Medium term

Long term goals

Sorry im getting really tired and Im just happy we reconnected, please always say hi, You are a very clever lady, I've been reading your posts..........

Anne x

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thank you @PeppiPatty ..... 😊

I love hearing your stories, because they are success stories .... you have moved past the worst of your struggles, and you did it with integrity ..... that is so important, to keep a good hold of who you are despite things going wonky around you .... it's no small thing.

It sounds like it is still quite difficult for you at times, but you look for the joy in it too .... and that helps you to keep rising above all the trouble.

I think maybe your MIL learned to appreciate you .... mine has learned to appreciate me too .... but she is still broken at a level that means she is proud of her son in his disorder .... by that I mean proud of how thin he is, and sees his obsessive and compulsive behaviour as extreme will-power to be admired, instead of realising it is driving him in an unhealthy way that is bringing him to great harm.

In these things I won't be able to make her understand .... and in his illness he is seeking out her close company every day because she is feeding his illness .... but this feeds her illness too .... she needs her sons to favour her over their wives because that is where her self-worth lies.

Where my husband wasn't doing that before - because a husband / wife relationship is one thing, and a mother / son relationship is something else, she has confused the two, and wants both .... to be like a mother and a wife to him, in a way that makes her feel superior and valued in that way.

In his current state of mind he is responding to her as the one who loves him most, because I am tollerating his illness but not honouring him for it, as she does.

It is only when he is diagnosed and undergoes treatment that other family member can explain it to her, after the doctors have explained it to them. And when they have an explanation about how these illnesses develop, in hindsight the truth will show itself .... that he was ill .... and the kids and I were doing our best to support him but not enable his illness ... and trying to get him to help.

It takes a lot of patience, but there is no other way forward that we can see, where we don't risk losing our own health in the process. As you said, while we can't help him, the kids and I are the priority for now, and we will need to keep looking after ourselves well through his recovery too.

Have a good night @PeppiPatty. I think you are in the west too ....

❤️🌷

[Shaz51]

Ohhh My special friend @PeppiPatty 

Thank you , you have been here for me , through you I have grown more

I am soooo Proud of you

and you have helped me and my hubby through the last year

I've noticed by having these short term goals -- this is the best way to go my friend and then you can do longer term goals when you feel you can xx

How are you today xx

[PeppiPatty]

I noticed you forgot me @Shaz51 but your completely forgiven because you didn't know I go on the carers site and also we have helped each other so so much already xx

[PeppiPatty]

Omg I didn't see this message you didn't forget me at all !!

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Shaz51

WE need to stop the negative ...SELF talk......sounds funny doesnt it ........but its' so easy to do if we are full ltime caring and we get lonely doing this tool.

Today, I did a little bit of sneaking around without My husband and felt bad for a minute just dissappearing...........then got over it.

I went to have tea with my support worker and spoke what I wanted to do then.....I've put on facebook where I live if anyone had any newborn clothes etc for a newborn and picked some up today and took them over to this little 16 year old girl I know who's just had a baby.

I knew her last year.....I stopped having anyhting to do with her because I wanted to only focus on my own family and that would have stopped me from focusing on my own son and my husband and my other son. So I turned up, dropped off this carload of stuff, left.......didnt get involved at all

and went to another suburb and visited a friend who just got diagnosed with Cancer.......But when I got home, I felt all refreshed and happy and not really feeling down and unhappy ......I've been feeling so down and unhappy for a little while now, I have had no time out at all...........

Then he made my dinner and tomorrow morning, we having coffee with his Mum 

What did you do today ??

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Faith-and-Hope

Im too tired to be here tonight, sorry but look at this artwork............

www.jessikajacob.com

Its really cool.......Im thinking about you......

Yes, I really relate about the approving of having a thin husband..mine has gained a huge amount of weight and his new gp is sending him to a Dietician and his Mum says oh good then Ille get my gorgeous thin son back! Shes said a few other things that have wanted to let me puke........

PPx

[Appleblossom]

I love mandalas for their calming quality...  beautiful but I did think the coffee one made me smile cos of my coffee habit.

Thanks bella @PeppiPatty

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She will be 29.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thank you @PeppiPatty .... and good morning ... 😊

The mandalas are beautiful ❣

I am seeing them everywhere now as Zentangle drawings and in adult colouring books ..... but I hadn't really thought about their possible meaning ... so I looked it up just now.  They symbolise unity and harmony.  No wonder they are used so much in the colouring books .... the colouring activity is so calming and creative, healing ....

Good morning @Appleblossom

Wishing your daughter good things for her birthday .... and I hope a thought or two for you ,... don't know her reasons but I hope she comes back to find you one day .... and at least be nice in the moment.

Have a gentle day, and try to do something special for you ....

I know it's not the same, but I take myself out in my mother's birthday .... just mark the occasion for myself .... it helps to not spend the day ignoring what it is .... I don't know whether you can do that for you ... honour yourself for what the relationship meant for you.

Hugs. .... 💜💐