Lived Experience Forum

[Sophia1]

Oh @Exoplanet 

I wrote a long reply and pressed cancel instead of post so lost it all

so sorry

late and very tired

willwrite tomorrow

holding your hand still.. squeeze when you need

sending you love ❤️ Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @Exoplanet 

So sorry about my techno mess up last night. I was fuming as it takes so blooming long to write my epic replies.

Oh my beautiful @Sophia1, our tears joined as I read your words & they will roll all the way to the ocean that we're looking out at through them & there they will stay forever together flowing with the cycle of life

Loved receiving your above words. You write beautifully and from the heart.

I hope that we are watering some vegetation with our tears as they roll on down to that ocean.

Forever flowing with the cycle of life.

That sends my mind into all directions as I try and capture something to match your deep expression of what life really means.

Our tears of life's experiences; friendships formed and never lost; tears of pure love. This stage of life is part of the cycle.

You my friend, my brave friend express how grateful you are for what you have. You are in touch with the true meaning of life and the unknown beyond. You are safe because of this space that you are in now.

I am here holding your hand; offering my love for a friend truly worthy of love.

You have told stories of your love of life; your puppies; your adventures; your never giving up in adversity.

Life is giving back now to you for all the love that you have given life.

Try not to dwell on family as they try to take away this depth that we have as they will never experience this.

You have a will that overrides any phone call or demands.

You have a choice to not answer your sister's or anyone else's calls or even block them. That will allow you to stay in the space where you are.

This is your time now not hers.

Try to think about the good moments with family members no matter how long ago and how fleeting. They are there.

Then bring your focus back to now and what you are grateful for.

Feel your puppies heart beats and listen to their breathing.

Look into their eyes and accept their unconditional love.

Your neighbours now they could be providing you with entertainment of some kind. I do hope that they are not trying to convert you 😉 They are supporting you and that is the beauty of accepting others with differences.

I did think that you might be a Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath girl. I danced to many a tune losing myself in the soundwaves of guitar and song.

I like the contrast of choice of songs there.

I forgot about Deep Purple. I think that I gave those CD'S to my younger son a few years back.

I had not heard the Butterfly Ball so thank you. A gift most welcomed. I was listening to this on youtube which of course took me off in another direction and a trip down memory lane.

Reminded me of The Mad Hatter's tea party.

I then got booted out and thought that I had lost this reply.

My cat slept on our bed for the first time ever last night. I had run out of sleeping tablets. I have long term insomnia and had fatigue.

I lay drifting in and out of something...not sleep...I thought of you propped up in your bed drifting in and out of verying levels of rest and that is when I found my cat in the bedroom. He eventually climbed up and after moving around and around and around as they do, gradually came to lay next to me. Leaning on me. His purring was like the latest souped up lawn mower.

I told myself that he wanted to join yourself, your puppies and me. So now there are five of us. No sleep.

Cat now laying on computer desk overlapping keyboard. He is not leaving my side.

I think my other friend Tonys might have sent him strict instructions to observe me closely.

I remember you wrote that you were sorry and something else.

Time away is needed and that does not change friendship for me. I do not remember anything else and do not need to.

I have friends in real life whom I have not seen for over 15 years. I keep on putting off the can we catch up. I am working on it.

No apologies needed from you.

I will not add any lyrics of songs or writings without you choosing.

This is yours...all of it..

Holding on

sending you love and cuddles for puppies too

Sophia1💜💜💜

ps anything legal always has endless paperwork...think of it as there for your safety also.

[Shaz51]

hugs my @Exoplanet xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️☕️😘 @Exoplanet …..

[Exoplanet]

@Sophia1  don't worry about any techno stuff! I've been thinking 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' {it's my theme song! 😉 } a lot lately. Particularly yesterday, the sister I'm giving the car to, was just unbelievable!
Of course we're watering everything as we go, the tears will drip from where our fingers are entwined & there will be a multi-coloured floral path of beauty leading to the ocean 🙂
I think your right about some people simply not being able to experience anything to do with ending, I think society in general brainwashes us from the beginning that it's all taboo? It's just another natural stage of what we all go through.
I've made my choice to answer my sister, not to block her & at least this mornings message was an email, not a phone call - but she still flustered me! She still made it all about her & had to mention the car! I know when someone puts a 'but' in the sentence, like "I'm glad we came, but . . . ", that 'but' is an admittance that they're lying . . . they weren't glad they came at all; 'but it was so hard on her, being the last time she'd see me'. How is that considering how I might be feeling about seeing my family for the last time?!?! {Sorry . . . rant!}. I am trying to make this time mine, she just doesn't have the ability to let me. I know there are good times & I have gotten there many times, it just feels like she shakes me every time I do?
I am grateful for many things, least of which is definitely not having to wait until the bitter end. I don't think I can drink fizzy drinks anymore, I think the gas sits high on the stomach & actually makes it harder for the chest to expand & breathe. So although having a visit from Jack {Daniels}, Jim {Beam} & Johnny {Walker} [all drinks], was nice {particularly after 15 yrs!}, I've had enough of that game! 😉
My neighbors are a little different, though you wouldn't know, unless they really let you in & they are supporting me in care & friendship 🙂 I've certainly seen some interesting pictures on her phone 😄 😄 . . very entertaining 😄 But there's nothing to convert in me anymore 😉 I find it all interesting & nothing more 🙂
Maybe your cat sensed my gas & breathlessness problems last night & let me through him/her sneak some comfort from you? That would certainly make me purr like a souped up lawn mower 🙂
Well, I think I've raved on for long enough, I'll finish this blurb here & send you love & strength ❤️
Exoplanet.

[Exoplanet]

We're going to make a beautiful floral path to the ocean on Thursday afternoon. I love you ❤️

I want to thank this site Sane & everyone who has supported me through however long I have been coming here.

Love to all that need or want it ❤️

[outlander]

@Exoplanet

[Sophia1]

Dear @Exoplanet 

@I have been writing on and off throughout a busy day. 
little sleep

authentication ticket again!!

I will write tomorrow when I can

appointment in morning

Saw your post for thursday

holging on not letting go

sending you love❤️

[Sophia1]

Hello lovely sparkly @Exoplanet 

I made it back.....

Take number ...(lost count how many posts on forums even emails in real life that end up in cyberspace)

I am having little sleep and my head is misbehaving dreadfully as a result.

How are you managing sleep....rest..

Do you have a view of anything interesting from your bed as in outside?

Tell me about what you see and hear...

There is a commonality between your sister's treatment of you and mine of me..

they do not change..

trust in your intuition and do what you feel is right for you...nothing to do with anyone else.

your journey...your time..

The floral path of colourful petals to the ocean floor...

I want my ashes spread at sea...

My dad is there and one day I will add my mum's when I am ready..

Is that your wish?

In my lost response I saw waving poppies, hollyhocks and sunflowers....I smelt lavender, thyme, rosemary, oregano, sage...

I can feel the sand beneath our feet..

We reach the edge of the sea and the tide comes in and out dragging us back out as we unconsciously dig our toes in to keep our balance..

we fall over and are wet...splashing each other now as we treasure the smell and taste of the salty sea...carefree and at one with nature..

is there anywhere else you would like to visit holding my hand before thursday?

This has taken so long to write..

I do hope that you have not responded since and this whole message becomes irrelevant

Lastly do you have a time frame that you might log in on thursday ...

I would love to try to be on at the same time with you..

I am imagining that you have an appointment time to work with..

I believe that you want honesty and that is what I offer, to try to make this internet connection that separates us and yes protects all of us at the same time, the best that we can have.

sending you a basket full of aromatic herbs and cuttings from flowers taken along the path we shared to our adventure at the calm serene stretch of sand and sea.

love to you dear friend

Sophia1❤

[Exoplanet]

G'day @Sophia1      & everyone ❤️

I started writing this out much earlier today {or maybe it was yesterday?} but ended up losing it so I'm starting again.

My boys are free now. It was beautiful & peaceful.

I'm glad you made it back & you don't have to explain cyberspace sh*t to me! I lost the last reply I'd already started! 😄

Sorry to hear about the sleep, but I understand ❤️ These newest pills I'm on {I call them muscle pills - but that's not what they're for ;)}, I was warned they could mess with your sleep & they have a bit, but it's not been too bad. I find I have been having lots of 'nanny naps' & basically states of not being asleep, but just having some youtube thing playing in the background & not really being awake either?
I have views outside the bedroom, there's the clearing of the house yard, then the fence & then the bush. Though I usually {read always} have the curtains closed, unless it's too hot at night & I have to keep them open for a breeze; so I don't actually normally have a view. I spend most of my time in the 'lounge' room {though my house is more like 1 big room, with patrician walls for the bedroom, bathroom & spare room. There's always the sounds of the bush, the birds & critters, the breeze rustling the leaves. I have a beautiful home & life ❤️

Yes some peoples own thought & emotional processes seem to be so similar & there does seem to be like groups that are very close in how they appear to do it. It's their own lives & experiences, that have developed them into what they are, just like you & me, but because there are so many of us now - there does seem to be 'groups' & the sort of stuff my sister, for instance, has been doing is pretty normal - . . . she's not coping, people often don't, just like your sister sounds like she did with you? ❤️

Oh, your family goes to the sea, that's lovely, I think that would be a beautiful, peaceful place
to spread ashes {for instance}. I don't have any wishes, I won't care 😉 But I have done the paperwork for my daughter to pick mine up from the funeral place in the next city. That place will pick me up when I've ended {I'm still in the right zone for whatever funeral thing I got} & take me to their pallor from there.

I've told my family if they want to have a get-together somewhere, that the beach would be a nice spot, to be honest I'd probably go to a bush river! . . . but I won't care 🙂 It's all good. I
also said for them to wear yellow, gold & a lot of bling 😄 😄 😄

"I can feel the sand beneath our feet..

We reach the edge of the sea and the tide comes in and out dragging us back out as we unconsciously dig our toes in to keep our balance..

we fall over and are wet...splashing each other now as we treasure the smell and taste of the salty sea...carefree and at one with nature.."

Love what you've written ❤️ I can feel it too! It's like I can actually feel the splashes, hear us laughing, smell the salt air, while I read it ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Nowhere in particular that we have to go I just want everything as normal as I can possibly have it . . & that really feels like what I'm getting . . . it's amazing!

I don't know that I'll log in tomorrow, I don't feel like I will . . . I don't know?
Thank you for your honesty, your telling things as they are 'raves' & helping me do the same ❤️

I love you @Sophia1 

& everyone that has been here for me ❤️ @Appleblossom  @Shaz51  @Faith-and-Hope  @outlander etc {they're just the ones on my drop-down list} ❤️ ❤️