Lived Experience Forum

[Matt12]

Hi anyone

outside of work which is in sales ironically, I have found it extremely difficult to connect with people and grow friendships, just having a coffee and a chat has been a challenge over the years which has of course had adverse effects on my recovery, time to put myself out their this site is a good start as I can "hide" while doing it, connecting with people is critical in achieving "clean discomfort" at my end 🙂 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Matt12 and welcome to SANE. I am glad you reached out here as a first step to connecting with others. You spoke about your recovery - are you recovering from an episode of depression/trauma/anxiety or a breakdown? I had the latter 5 years ago and it does take time to recover, but that I am doing under very stressful circumstances even (long story).

In the last couple of years I have been stepping out of my comfort zone and pushing myself to go out with a couple of friends to a weekly luncheon etc and also do some volunteer work; I have felt this connection aided my recovery. 

Do you have any particular interests, hobbies or activities you enjoy doing? Others will also jump on here in time also and I believe you will find this forum friendly and relaxed enough to just be yourself. Look forward to getting to know you better 😄

[SwearyCyn]

Hi @Matt12,

You're not alone. I have to push myself to connect with others, even those in my own house. I understand it can be tiring and sometimes disappointing when they don't understand your experiences (if the conversation gets that far).

Keep trying, but know your limits I think. Aim for once a month, count that as a win, then once a fortnight, then once a week. But keep trying. Spend your time on people who are worth your company, and with people who you enjoy being with - that will make it less hard each time.

Definitely concentrating on people who have the same interests and activities will help - you'll have a common thread to come back to.

And don't fret when you take a step back. I can't tell you how many times I throw my hands up in the air saying "I don't know why I bother with people!!" and go back to bed. The important thing is to get up again.

Let us know how you go, and if you come up with any tips for us, because we're always after good tips!! 🙂

[Former-Member]

hello @Matt12

thanks for dropping in and having a chat with us. Not sure if you have been on forums before, if you haven't the experience probably felt a little strange.

It did for me.

I like the comparison you make in chatting on here as a starting point and then putting it into practice out there in your life. Chatting on here is done differently by each and everyone of us. we all have our own styles. Some of us are brief, matter of fact, creative and then you have me who writes non stop because I let my thoughts flow on to the paper. Read different posts and note their style of writing, how they express themselves. of course new people will be more reticent. also depending on their life experiences.

you can still see some similarities and some differences.

i found when I was younger I was very quiet, reserved, am naturally softly spoken as in soft tone of voice. i also still tend to think when i speak, therefore have pauses where people think i have finished speaking, they in turn start talking and I am  left hanging.

My career has always involved customer relations of some kind and this helped me to gain confidence in speaking to others. I found that the easiest way to start a conversation and to try and keep it going is to ask the  other person about themselves. most people relish the thought that someone wants to know something about them. Once you have their attention listen to clues and just keep it flowing. keep it as natural as possible.  if it doesnt work it is not you it is them. they are boring. move on and smile. walk in to the room with your head up and smile. makes people curious.

Practice with people you know even family.

Conversation is of course a two-way thing, if you are doing all the talking it is not a true conversation. plus we dont find everyone  interesting.

it can be hard work. i think it also depends on how interesting you find others.

will be interested to hear how your efforts turn out.

dont give up

[Lunar]

Hello @Matt12,

That's really great that you are taking the step to reach out and connect with people even if it is online that is still some human interaction and support and if it means that you can hide whilst doing it, well then great!

It is interesting that you have a job in sales, why do you think you are able to talk to people in that work environment and not in a friendship way?

Lunar

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Matt12

I can relate to throwing up my hands in frustration .. why do I bother 

I am more social now, than I used to be in teens & 20s, because we just do it when we have kids, but I am no social butterffy.  I get what you mean by "clean discomfort".  We know humans need company .. but with company .. may come a whole lot of extra complications .. that we hadnt really signed up for 

so .. I am learning this boundary idea .. but it seems a matter of ongoing interpretation and applikcation ..

cheers Apple

[Matt12]

Thanks for the response, I have built up many different strategies over the years to cope with my depression and anxiety, only recently sort help due to suicide attempt and complete brake down but only on the inside, on the outside I am professional well presented, can manipulate and change outcomes to suite, connecting with clients when manipulating a commitment for a sale is easy, you can walk away when done.

I have built solid walls to cope, my separated wife says I have lived a “half-life” and to get “real”.

I am no superman but have been a productive individual in so many ways but restricted in giving what people need a close level due the constant battle inside my head. Interesting to note my psychologist was amassed at how I lasted so long, simple I self-medicated and an expert bull shit artist. Time for me to connect and find new ways, asking for help still feels like I’m a loser, the taps in the head are old, still learning to cry, easy for some very hard for me to do.

Thanks for your support J

[Appleblossom]

Like your honesty @Matt12

I have only worked retail as a teen.

You have bit of the sales talk of my ex ... and my Just surviving brother

But it is not really a mindset for long term personal satisfaction.

yeah there are financial realiities and social realiities.. aspects which do need to be sorted.

and deep personal yearnings and playing around etc etc etc

and being at peace with one's efforts at meeting life's challenges

..I was told I had solid walls too .. by a pdoc .. then I dismantled them and became easy pickings .. now trying to find a balance.

In the Enlightenment .. melancholy was quite fashionable for men .. as it implied  learning knowledge spirituality and sensitivity

A lot of male ideals these days are ..

into TRUMPING everyone .. but maybe its time to go 

NO TRUMPS

cheers Mate

[Matt12]

Like your honesty, it’s my understanding recovery is about being true to yourself, without honesty the process gets diverted on the wrong course, which leads nowhere.

I can’t express how difficult it is to write this and express a need to connect when the cost benefit analysis suggest, get over it you have heard it before and hear it again stick to your “old copping ways” hide and you won’t be found…not a valued direction…still looking for one..

Thanks for your support J

[Former-Member]

Hi @Matt12

I can certainly relate to those created "solid walls" to cope. But found I could only do that for so long before the cracks started to appear. I had an abusive childhood and trust and self value was an issue. I did not, could not cry for a long time. All my pain, regrets, hurts, guilt, fears, bewilderments etc, I could not process or fathom them.  I could not express or show my true feelings and appeared cold to others. In some ways I was for quite awhile as I didn't know the first thing about love or what it was. I certainly did not love myself. I never had the role model.

And I drank a lot etc as a way of numbing the pain but that only suppressed it to fester; self medication is a temporary bandaid which only infects the wound causing it to spread I found. And I hurt others and myself because of it which all pushed to learn better ways.

At some stage or another we need to bring those walls down to find out who we truly are and we have to free up the mind from substances and denial to achieve this. Connecting with others even in the most minut way helps us to have some insight into ourselves. Connection with others is vital for survival not just physically and financially I find, but mentally and emotionally for inner growth. Otherwise we end up empty and depressed.  It's finding what truly matters to us in life and learning to go after it - not just about pure survival of the fittest. The mentality of the latter can be hard to come out of as i discovered, as I fine tuned it and programmed myself to respond that way. Sounds like you may have done the same. And tapping into our true feelings, there is no room for. That did not bring results I thought were important at that time. But our priorities can change as we feel inwardly something is not right as anguish/fear can result.

But in time the emptiness and anxiety and pain we either inflict or are inflicted with, beggars for change. And so our search begins. That is what it was like for me 30 odd years ago.

Your separated wife says you have lived a half life and to get real. Does she mean get more in touch with you? You are certainly "not a loser" for tapping into new ways to achieve this - that takes strength and courage and is "being real". As is your honesty. Yes, it is the only way to make progress and move forward to becoming more whole.

Thats my experiences and thoughts on things - but More importantly I would love to hear yours. What would you like to now achieve with others when connecting? That first small step, what would be important for you to take away from it?  What circumstances would you feel most comfortable in the real world taking that first step? Please keep posting and talking about whatever you wish to as the ball is in your court 😊