Dearest @ENKELI
I want to refer from two of f my two favourite therapists someone called Terry Real a psychotherapist couple's councellor and Dr James Doty -
@Bunniekins @StuF @Meowmy @Ru-bee @Jynx
About your brother's laziness
What your going through must be so frustrating -
From Terry Real's perspective (The Relationship Expert):
Terry Real would call this a breakdown in the 'family system.'
He would think - that We-------⅝ you have a clear power imbalance here. You need his money, so you're adapting to his behavior, which is a classic pattern.
He's acting ⅝like a 'user,' and you're in the 'over-functioning' role.
I don't know much about this so Ai has helped me a bit.
Real would say this isn't about him being 'lazy.'
It's about a lack of accountability. Your dilemma isn't his laziness; it's your unspoken boundaries.
Here’s what Terry Real would likely advise:
* Stop Blaming and Start Demanding: Don't focus on his 'laziness.' Focus on the contract. He's paying for rates, but what is the other half of the deal?
* Define a New Deal: You need to have a calm, direct, and non-emotional conversation. Think of it like a business negotiation.
* State the facts: "We agreed you'd move in and help with the rates. The house is a mess, and it’s stressing me out. This isn't working for me."
* State your needs: "I need to live in a house that is maintained. So, we need to add a contribution of labor to your contribution of money. You don't have to build things, but you can do x, y, and z."
* State the consequences: "If you don't contribute labor, we need to re-evaluate this living situation. I need my home to be a place of peace, not a source of stress."
* Hold the Boundary: This is the hardest part. If he doesn't change, you have to be ready to follow through. This is where your 'wise adult' takes over from the 'adapted child' who just endures the stress.
A noneurologist I listen to and read - Dr James Doty from Stanford university would say -
From a Neuroscientific perspective (The Brain Expert):
A simplified view from neuroscience would focus on the stress response. Your brain is constantly in a state of high alert because you're living in a stressful environment. Your cortisol levels are probably elevated, and this is why you feel so 'depressed.'
Your brother’s inaction is a constant trigger for your brain's threat-detection system. The sight of the disrepair isn't just an annoyance; it's a physical stressor. Your frustration is a neurological response to a chaotic environment.
The solution isn't just about getting him to work; it's about reducing the chronic stress on your brain. Setting boundaries and having a plan is a way to tell your nervous system that you are in control.
Taking action, even a small step, can lower your cortisol and give you a sense of agency, which is protective for your mental health.
To
In summary:
You need to shift from feeling like a victim of his laziness to becoming the CEO of your own home. The money is leverage, not a prison. Use your intelligent mind to structure a new deal and manage your own stress response. It's about renegotiating the terms of the relationship, not fixing his personality.
@Oaktree @ENKELI @Sparky79 @Glisten @tyme @TAB
