Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I want those three guys that sexually abused me to rot in hell. I want them to suffer 100 times more than what I’m going through. 

I HATE them all. ALL of them. 

I want them to know that I HATE THEIR GUTS. they are not people humans. They are creeps who took advantage of me as a 9 yr old. 

I HATE THEM 😢😢😢😢😢

[BlueBay]

😢😢😢 

not good this morning 

@Owlunar @Gazza75 @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Flying_Hams 

I hope you are all having a better day than me ❤️❤️

[Gazza75]

Hi @BlueBay , hope you feel a little better soon. Your post yesterday is heartbreaking.  Thinking of you.   Hugs

[Flying_Hams]

Thinking of you my friend @BlueBay

Take it easy on yourself please 🙏

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

I can hear that  you are having a really bad morning - a bad day again - and this is rough - your choice is to do this extra work and the days at work are long for you and standing on your feet all day on a concrete floor is tough on your back - I know about this - and the heat pack is best but how can you have that on your spine all day? Um - I have thought about that - nothing viable - there is something you can get that sticks onto your clothes I think - but it's not really warm enough - 

And I am not going anywhere - I know you need this assurance - I thought about that last night - you are concerned that people will get sick of you - I don't think people are - I know that I'm not - I did leave my mother but she was lashing out at me and I had to protect myself from what she had been doing to me all her life but you are not lashing out at people here - that's not your nature - so you can stop worrying about that

When it comes to your abusers though - mmmm - it's destroying you - you did have the chance to have them charged in the past I think but you have to remember unrealistic issues - like their clothes or something similar - I have a good memory but I don't think I could remember that - 

There's nothing left that you can do about that if you choose not to go down that direction and so you need to change something inside yourself - revenge is never good - it really destroys you - taking away the good work you are doing in other areas - I know it was terrible and I can't know how terrible but I do know that having such powerful anger inside is destructive

Accepting the past doesn't mean it wasn't terrible. It was - it must leave deep scars - I wish I knew more about psychology than I do - I know a bit - in your case justice has never been served which is really hard to live with - you were victimised at the time and not having anything solved about it means you are victimised by the system - 

It wasn't your fault - it was never your fault

There is one thing I do know from life though and that is that healing doesn't just happen overnight - there are many layers to emotional trauma - you were physically when it first happens and you froze - you were very young at them time and I didn't know anything about all of that myself at that age - but time passes and the physical wounds heal but the memories remain and it takes time - layers and layers of memories and trauma to sort though - 

But remember - there is a life for yourself beyong all of that and the other things in your life - i can't work it out for you but I won't get sick of it - you would be surprised if you knew how much time I spend thinking of you - I can see what needs to be done but I can only suggest things for you - I can't do it for you

You will have bad days - I remember reading your story over three years ago now when I first joined the forum - you were not nearly as aware of the relevance of your story then - you have done so much work - a lot can be done in three years

In takes time - a lot of time - and you are doing the work

You will feel great about all of this extra work when you have finished - and I hope you buy yourself some new clothes with some of the money - you need them for work after all

Sending more cyber-hugs - I wish they could be the real thing - but here we are

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thsnks @Gazza75 @Flying_Hams  for your care snd suport ❤️❤️

@Owlunar  Thsnkyou fir assuring me you’re not leaving or sick of me. 

I’m not very self confident at the moment. My self esteem is crushed. 

I tried praying this mirning wishing snd hoping I can leave the past behind and move forward. But I started to cry snd couldn’t finish my prayer. 

I feel lost. Lost childhood lost in life lost in my family and in myself. 

Reg my back - I’m going to have to put up with it. Only another 3 weeks to go. I’ll just have to rest when it’s bad and when I can afford it see my Chiro. 

I know I’m not going down the court system fir the abuse. I just can’t. 

But at times like last night snd this morning I was really really angry   I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I want to punish them because they took away my childhood my teenage years and part of me has gone. It’s left deep scars in me that I will forget. 

But you’re right I need to move forward. I just don’t know how. Or maybe I just keep plodding along snd it will eventually get easier (hopefully).  

No I never realised how much time you spend thinking about me. 

I feel thst we would get along if it was real life. I feel you would be a better mum to me than my own mum. 

Lets not start about that. 

I am so grateful that you are in my life on here. 

It would be so nice in real life that I could pop in for a coffee and a hug. 

You understand me snd kniw me so well. 

Ive never we told others in my family as much as I have told you. I have trusted you and told you everything. No need to hide anything eith you. Yet I don’t and won’t tell my mum everything and you know why. I don’t want snymire verbal emotional abuse. 

Guess I will have to peel off the layers still. I e day st a time. Sometimes one hour st a time. 

Just paid another $80 towards our October holiday. Only $350 left to psy. That will easily be paid off by then. 

Thsnkyou @Owlunar  I hope you realise how much you mean to me. ❤️❤️❤️

[Flying_Hams]

Hey @BlueBay
My awesome friend.

Take it easy. We are supporting you always 🙂

Hey @Owlunar 👋

[Shaz51]

here for you my sister @BlueBay 

hello @Flying_Hams , @Owlunar , @Gazza75 , @Faith-and-Hope 

[Flying_Hams]

hey @Shaz51

How's it going my friend?

[Shaz51]

heeyyyy @Flying_Hams 

feeling a bit blah at the moment , don`t know why

maybe the morning catching up with me

how are you