12-06-2019 10:55 AM
I am so glad you got through a bad day and the forum was able to help - that is good news
We don't have to battle things alone when the forum is always there to help -
12-06-2019 11:00 AM
You are doing a lot better - the last session you had with the hospital therapist seems to have done a great deal for you - it makes a huge difference if we focus on the day-to-day issues and I understand - the stuff in your past will always be there but accepting it just makes life easier - it is always important -
I remember how totally miserable you were when I first met you - over three years ago now - you were so unhappy - but as tough as day to day life is you do sound so much better - life is not always full of negatives for you now and you have baby A - remember that wonderful prophetic dream you had about a baby girl - how fantastic that the dream is real for you everyday now
It's not easy I know - but you are improving
13-06-2019 05:19 PM
do you really think i am improving @Dec ?
how come i can't see it. i know that having A live with us has made a difference. i am so busy with her and she has given me a sense of hope, something to live for. she gives me so much joy and love. unconditional love. but i know that the day will come when she and my D move out and i will really miss her then. i was hugging her the other night after her bath and i said to her, 'you know nonna is going to miss you when you move out'. i then had tears in my eyes.
and that's when things will be different again, just hubby and me most of the time at home and younger son when he is around. he may travel overseas again, not sure what he's plans are yet. this is his last week of exams and he is finished Uni. Two years of uni and he's done.
Actually my doctor told me today that he thinks i have improved. but i can't see it.
all i can see if my mental health, my terrible behaviour, thoughts and actions that come from me.
I do appreciate what you are saying to me, i always take it in.
i just wish i could see it also. xxxooo
13-06-2019 10:27 AM
I tried to respond later in the evening yesterday but I couldn't log-in - and I think you are probably at work now but I want to let you know I have been thinking about what you wrote
I don't think there are any right or wrong opinions to most of life's issues - there will always be people who agree and people who don't - for me this makes like interesting and gives me a lot to think about - I enjoy this process
Your mother - like mine actually - was and is controlling and so it is harder to find yourself - and it is important that you do so because from time to time you have written here that you don't know who you are or what you want. I know that is a big part of your struggle through life - it could be for many people - I am sure you are not alone
And I wrote above that we please people to get along in certain situations - if we don't we get squeezed out or like my son - find ourselves in prison - but for day-to-day discussions we need to add our little bit and people will be interested - I know you feel excluded a great deal and this must be very uncomfortable but it could be (I don't know) that other people don't know you and feel uncomfortable that you always agree - maybe they wonder what you are really thinking - I have been that way about some people through life - sometimes I have been more uncomfortable when people have agreed with me than when they have disagreed -
For the best part it's not up to us to make people happy - that's up to them - of course we don't go out of our way to make them unhappy
Sometimes I take time to think up replies - not just here but through life - my last therapist actually snapped at me because I didn't answer her questions immediately - maybe she had her reasons - I will never know - but I like to take a look inside myself when something comes up
I do find your writing interesting - you do write well - you express really deep emotions in ways I really cannot - we are all different. It's the differences in life that make us all intriguing to each other - and really - it will take time but when you find and express those difference you will find the person inside you are looking for - yourself
Friday's are busy for me - I will be back later - I hope last night wasn't too hard for you - your BPD is tough and makes life harder but many things are still within your grasp - you can do it
All the best today
I wrote this on the self-L -self_H thread but decided to move it here as it is more for you than the subject - I really do hear you and understand so much of what you are saying - and yes - I do believe you are improving - I will get back to that later
14-06-2019 05:42 PM
Thankyou for taking the time to reply. I always look forward to whst you have to say.
I write on here because I have nowhere else to write. Snd I write because at home no one would sit with me yo listen. And to be honest I would struggle. I find it very difficult to open up with hubby and kids. At least here I can be me with no one really knowing me in real life. I can openly say whst I want and how I’m feeling.
Dec why can’t I see myself improving?
why do I always feel depressed and negative.
I understand that a lot of my issues I have now are from my childhood. My mums controlling and manipulative ways.
I still wish I could get away with a friend or myself. But that will never happen. If my D was able to go away we could go.
i feel that we’re going backwards reg our financial situation.
I feel we’ll have to sell in the near future. And I know def we won’t get another house like we’re in now.
I don’t know. I have so many stressors that aren’t helping. I know.
Snd huff n puff isn’t helping the situation or how I feel.
yiu know Dec sometimes lately I question whether I should stsy or leave in my marriage. It’s so stressful emotional. I just don’t know what to do.
I do love him but he’s not understanding or sympathise with me.
I don’t know. Some days I feel I could walk away. But then I blame myself for how we are st the moment.
Theres been no intimacy or anything fir a long time. Months and months. it doesn’t help with meds snd menopayse. And even thst I blame myself too.
Its a mess isn’t it?
14-06-2019 05:51 PM
@BlueBay take it easy, we all struggle a lot of the times, you are one of us. Take care.
14-06-2019 06:40 PM
I am not a psychologist or anything like that - actually I am an accountant - but I can try to give you an objective point of view
It's really great that you write your thoughts and experiences here - you are keeping a journal in a magical way because people can interact with you and support you and reflect back what we understand -
I recollect that you said once that you have to be perfect at home - and that's unrealistic behaviour for anyone - if you could share that might help but from what I am reading Huffnpuff doesn't just want to hear - he can't - I understand that perfectly. Been there
I don't know enough about your kids to know if they would be understanding or not - perhaps not your boys but D seems to be a sensible young woman and only you know if she would be sympathetic - for a long time my D seemed not to be someone I could open up to but her own life experiences have given her cause to think more deeply - so in time your D might be an ally through all of this - have you given her a chance yet?
It's hard for you to see that you are improving but I have been privy to the deepest parts of your story as you see them - what a priviledge this has been - so I have seen this for myself and so have other people - I know because I have read it in the forum. I think you can't see this because you are in the middle of all of it and what I see is that you are often in the middle of a storm and stuff is blown into your face a lot. It's really hard to see in a bad storm - psychological storms are like this too.
Your depression is part of your MI - you need to accept the depression and I have had reactive depression so I know how helpless that can make people feel - your negative thinking can be changed - as you start to see that you are a good person and doing your best in your life with all sorts of setbacks. You can start changing your thought from negative to positve an event at a time - it will take a lot of time and effort but it is possible. Sometimes negative thoughts can be a form of SH - somehow people feel they need to punish themselves for having unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve - you can change your thinking and you only have to start having positive thoughts you will start to like yourself better - you are entitled to feel better
I am pretty sure I have a rough idea of where you live and yes - that is a lovely place to be - when your kids have all moved out then down-sizing would be a good idea - I had a lovely little house we bought not long after we married. We had to up-size yet to this day I regret leaving that little house - this is life -
But rent is expensive too - one good thing is freedom from the tyranny of real estate so you can get up and move whenever you need to - it's hard to give up your home but I suggest you see a financial advisor about the decision before you try and see - moving to a cheaper area is sensible but not easy but if you can get a cheaper property it would help
All this is hanging over your head and I know because you have told us that Huffnpuff leaves these things up to you really and you should be in partnership with him and this is hard for you because you love him but he really seems to be dragging you down
You seem to need to see a marriage counsellor - look around on line or go to a church and ask for a professional person to give you some assistance. Your marriage seems to be going down - Huffnpuff's learned helplessness and passive agression is corrosive. It's really hard for work this out for yourself. You may have to leave the marriage. btw - that's not the end of the story but rather the beginning of another and it's not easy to go it alone.
And to get divorced - (it used to be the case ) - both of you need to see a counsellor and you already are - it may mean that Huffnpuff will see the error of the ways - and it takes to to make a marriage and two to provide enough problems to make it a rough track. It's not possible for it to be all your fault - in fact what I read is that you are the main driver - you manage so much without his help. Blaming yourself for the state of your finances is not your fault - he could get a part time job himself but you said he won't -
About the intimate side of marriage - the medication can take away the desire - so I have read - but the stress you are under is a huge issue too - it's not your fault - I have been there too - who wants to be close to someone who is rubbing them up the wrong way all the time
Take time to think without blaming yourself. And this post is just how I see things and understand - this is peer support - I have been through a lot of the same stuff and in my life the death of our son was the last straw in a marriage that was sad rather than bad -
It's hard - I really feel for you
14-06-2019 06:42 PM
One thing at a time
Prioritise things and do an action to achieve them
Perhaps organize a holiday with a friend
I am sorry you're not feeling better
14-06-2019 07:37 PM
Hi @BlueBay. Just letting you know that I am thinking of you through your struggles at the moment. I hope you feel better soon. Take care of you the best way you know how. Battlemouse71
14-06-2019 02:06 PM
Hi @Dec I need to re read your reply so I can absorb it before I reply.
I’m really really angry. I do t know why I bother and I continue to get hurt. Why?
i just phoned my parents and asked mum if they would like to come over tomorrow for lunch. She replied no. Her reason - it’s too cold!!! Like I don’t have a heater. WTF!!
all I wanted was to spend the afternoon with them and cook a nice lunch. But that’s not going to happen. She says “oh let’s waut for the weather to get watmer”
snd then in summer she’ll say it’s too hot.
Every single time I ask them I get rejected. It shits me so much.
Well I don’t care anymore. Tomorrow I’ll spend the day out with hubby.
Why do I say I don’t care when I do.
Anger anger frustration. I feel why do I bother.
@Razzle ive been thinking of you a lot ❤️❤️❤️
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