Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

 sound like a good session today my sister @BlueBay 

It is Like ( mr shaz wants to help me hung out the clothes --- insead of telling him he is hanging the clothes the wrong way !! ) just let him with a smile xxxx

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

i've wrecked it.  I just don't learn.  Every time i make mistakes and now i am so angry with myself.

Yesterday afternoon i had a coffee with a friend i havent seen for a little while.  I had cooked dinner the night before so all that had to be done was for hubby to cook the rice to add to the meat and veggies that i had already done; as well as reheat the meat.  how hard is that??

I got home and hubby is looking stressed, rushing around.  He had microwaved the meat but it was still cold.  I said why don't you put in on the stove top so we can now add the rice and mix it altogether.   he's huffing and puffing so i grabbed the pot and took the meat dish out of his hands and warmed it up.,  at this stage he walks off to watch tv.  i then turned around and said 'gee lucky i cooked dinner the night before'.  

i was so so angry, i was raged.  looking back now i was horrible and i hate myself for it.

what i should have done - was to just walk away and let him reheat it.

instead my extreme anger took over and it is still hanging over me.

when i went to bed i ended up crying because of my bad bad behaviour

i am not worthy of anyone loving me; not worthy of anyone even trying to be nice to me because why should they bother?

i am not nice to anyone.

they all don't need me in their lives because i am a real bitch.  i am so bad in my anger, behaviour, controlling my thoughts; 

i really don't know what to do anymore.

i just seem to get myself in these really difficult situations that i then regret so so miuch.

have i spoken to him about this - no.  i don't know how to start without being emotional, angry and then i say things that my head is telling me to say that it all comes out wrong

what should i do @Owlunar 

does anyone understand  me or is it just me been a terrible person

@Shaz51 @Meowmy @Ali11 @oceangirl @Former-Member 

[BlueBay]

@Owlunar 

thanks for your reply.  i wish i could get my emotoinal mind to be a better mind like my rational mind.  

thank you for giving me a positive support.  

i don't know what to say.  with his OCD i will try to let it go, it is his problem; he needs to deal with it or get support.  but i know he won't.  so i have to learn to live with it.  if i can because sometimes it is damn hard to see.  he drives me crazy at times (literally!!!)

i think deep down i need to start a conversation about my terrible outbursts and behaviour and how when he says things like the pens are not in the holder, how it affects me or how i take it personally and then get angry with him for days.

i really don't know anymore.

right now i feel like running away and being on my own

ps.  my psych receptionist rang me last night to say that he was informed of a group therapy on trauma but it is in Melbourne.  she gave me the number to call so i did.  i thought it was an outpatient program but its not.  it is a 3 week inpatient stay.  

i rang back my psych and said i can't justify 3 weeks off work as i have no sick leave and the annual leave i have which isn't much at the moment is for our October holiday.  i told her that at least i know its there maybe for another time. 

I hope you're okay Dec.  Is your toe getting better?  It is rainy down here non stop so an inside day today. 

BB 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

I understand - you are not a horrible person or a bitch - I behaved very much like that when my ex-h stuffed things up and I don't know whether he was doing things like that just so as I wouldn't ask him again - I would get furious and throw things on the floor with rage - really -

But all these years later that was my reaction to a problem that eventually destroyed our marriage - it destroyed my love for him certainly - I could tell a story but let's not today any way but I think I was really hard to get on with at times - really

But that does not make us unworthy of love - it can destroy the love between people but it does not make it unworthy of love - after all - my religion says that Christ came to save sinners and we are - and he also came to save the perfect people because they need it just as much - we all need love - truly

And I could cry for what is happening - AND to this day I can never find a pen when I need to write something in my diary - that's because they fall down between the cushions on the couch where I sit when I am working - I just put my hand in there now and found my spare phone charger - I think I got about 6 pens out last week

It's normal that - btw - and who needs the all the pens in one place - we need them all over the house - goll-ee - take it easy - you are not alone with all of that and from what I gather you are pretty house-proud so you place is as neat as you can get it with 4 adults and a baby - 

Please don't be so hard on yourself - take it easy - I am actually glad you blew up at Huffnpuff - yes - he has some learned helplessness and OCD but you have rights too

Would you say I was a horrible person because when my husband left the roast on the bench because I went back to bed with my dinner when the kids and I had bad colds and were coughing and sneezing germs everywhere and the meat was exposed for a couple of hours - and I totally lost my temper - did that make me a bad person?

I understand - really I do - all these years later - I get it perfectly - we are only human and when the other half of the partnership doesn't pick up the load sometimes it's INFURIATING

I hear you

Dec

This was me - glasses and all - but I am a of the female persuasion

[Owlunar]

It takes time to change your behaviour @BlueBay 

And one day I got in my car and drove all the way to Apollo Bay because I was angry that my ex-h didn't turn up at the Family Court for a Property Settlement hearing - I was furious - I stayed at Apollo Bay for the night - then Warrnambool and then home - it was the best thing I could have done under the circumstances - 

Maybe you could try just going off for the afternoon - I know I have suggested this before but there is no harm at all in leaving the situation that is infuriating you - rather than sticking around and putting up with it - the environment can become seriously toxic

Personally I think you have probably done enough looking into your trauma - I know it's hard but what else can you learn? Setting up a good holiday with your husband is better - but I do remember that when you have been away with him before you go home to the same-old-same-old and the situation between you and Huffnpuff is the problem - and when you have done hard work it's the same

So what can you do about that before October - I suggest this is something to discuss with your therapist but I also know that Huffnpuff needs a bit of insight too and that is not likely to happen easily but that's what I see as a problem and that's because it's happened before

What do you do? That's really easy for me to say but one thing I do know is that you are not causing this problem - who cares where the pens are? It's a big problem for Huffnpuff but no one else - it's his OCD and that's his problem

What you can do is stop reacting and yes - again - this is easy to say - and the thought of leaving the house even to walk around the block is what I did - I had a friend - a sort of boyfriend - for years - we didn't live together but he could nit-pick and I had run a home and family for a long time and would just turn off the cooking and walk around the block - or if it was at his place - go home - 

And this went on and on and off and on etc for years until I got sick of it and ended it all and he was really upset but that's bad luck for him - eventually we can have enough

So if you want to save your marriage you need to act and not react - I am sure your house looks wonderful and he SAYS people understand him at work - and you do get angry - and I sure understand that - 

I hear you

My toe seems to be healing up - leaving it uncovered seems to have done more good than having ointment and bandaides on it - I am okay - I had a headache that was impressive yesterday but I feel okay today

Take care of  yourself BlueBay - take a walk when things build up - take it from someone who has been there and really hears what you are saying

Dec

[BlueBay]

❤️❤️ @Owlunar  Thankyou for your understanding and support. 

[Meowmy]

@BlueBay I think you have been doing better last few days. Don’t worry too much about frictions  with hubby. Close people living together always have frictions. My mum often annoys me with all sorts of things. I know I really love her and need her. When it heats up, it is hard to hold back and not say angry words. Then afterwards realize it is all the heat up for nothing. So everyone gets like that. You are not alone. Hope you will have a good evening, nice, cozy and pleasant.

[Ali11]

Sending love @BlueBay, you're not a bad person at all. @Meowmy and @Owlunar are right, being around someone a lot will always involve some friction and built up heat, but taking a walk when you can feel that heat rising should help

[Meowmy]

@Ali11 Hi, Ali, how are you, hope you had a good day. I think having MI, each day survived is a bonus. My aim is to keep severe anxiety attack away each day. Last had one last Friday. They are the worst. Today, I was a bit shaky and low and had two difficult clients at work. But with support of forum, I was ok. Went to walk and coffee after work. Feeling ok at the moment. Have a good evening. Take care.

[Ali11]

Good today @Meowmy. You're right, one day at a time, and happy to hear the forum has been helpful for you