Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

hi everyone,how things are today is a bit of a mix one major annoyance right now is the toilet needs repars no joke,I rang and left a message for the plumber,hopefully theyll get back to me tomorow morning,now for some good news Im going to go back to joining a chior group I was interested in Last year,and they are happy to hear from me again which is really good,my emotions today have been on the stressed side,despite reasurring myself that Im fine ,Im being in a quiet phase at the moment with family for the timebeing maybe withdrawing a bit as in Im not really communicating at this point at time and been kind of content just to be alone and quiet at home or wherever I think after the recent tinder drama Im just subdued,focussing on my own self care but maybe not so much with communication at the moment kind of a quiet decompressive time,I do have some anger at times which Im directing at decorationg my room and I seem to still be focusseed the most on small details of my life rather than the big details,unfortunetly I was thinking this morning something stupid that If I ended up in a coma family should do the mercifull thing and turn the machine off,I think I still have some feelings that havent been validated or something or in some ways Im solideiring on quietly now 

[LostAngel]

hows everyone else going today?

[Powderfinger]

@LostAngel 

it seems like you are having a slightly better day today. You sound calmer and more relaxed/content. I am gald to hear it. 

Powderfinger

[Jezz]

This is my first post... anywhere.

I stumbled upon SANE tonight while desperately looking for something to guide my thoughts away from the dark place they had landed tonight.

I'm a mum, with two beautiful kids who are 3 and 5, and a loving husband (who isn't here right now), whom I was on the verge of texting to tell him to come home, because I was not ok. 

I'm triggered, and I guess you'd say, close to the bottom of a deep low. It looked like a screaming match with my 5 year old, who only wanted to be tucked into bed. I was refusing because he was looking for excuses to get me to come into his room after bed time. He's just a kid. He doesn't know that yelling from the other wnd of the house at me is making my brain melt.

He doesn't know how far I've already been pushed today and what is left in my tank. He doesn't know that I've just googled the phrase "I became suicidal when I became a parent". He just thinks he is being cheeky.

But then when I stop yelling back at him because I can't muster the strength he becomes insistent, soon he starts to panic at the silence, and screams louder and more. 

He can't see me curled up in the dark, my face in my hands, sobbing harder and harder at the sound of him, mentally pleading for him to stop. Fearing that this time, I might actually do something stupid and go through with what I'm picturing in my mind.

And then eventually his screams become unbearable, and I walk to his room. I stand in the dimly lit doorway, sobbing and begging him to stop. He sits atop his bed, nervous laughing with tears streaming down his cheeks, and a confused, scared expression on his face.

I repeat myself over and over... "please just stop yelling at me.... just stop, I can't handle it" and thrn back away. His cries turn to anguish and I hurt so deeply inside my chest that I struggle to breathe.

Back in the lounge room I struggle for my phone, and try to read the results of my Google search. The link I click on isn't the kind of one that I was hoping for when I entered the search phrase, but a scholarly article about the impact of parents suicides on children.

This, always my final non-negotiable when suicidal thoughts enter (that I can't allow my children to grow up thinking that I didn't love them enough to stay; or worse, that they had played some part in killing me), sends a cold shock through me.

I read about the emotional impacts and often life-long behavioural conditions that result after a parents suicide. It brings me comoletely undone.

I shake with the sobbing, but also the fear that I am feeling, not knowing who to reach out to (because I don't hve the energy for their well meaning interrogation and need for a running commentary of my every thought). I don't have the strength to appease their concerns, it is simply another job on the list of things I struggle with. Humaning is so much harder than others make it look.

I find the will to get up, go back into my son's room, and tell him I'm sorry. As I reach for him to hold him, he burrows under his bedding, still inconsolable. I ache with regret and fear for what I am doing to him - to both of my children.

I tell him that I'm having a tough time, I am feeling overwhelmed by life, and am not coping very well. I tell him that he hasn't done anything wrong. I am having one of my sad times, and it is not his fault. I tell him how much I love he and his sister, how lucky I am to hve auch beautiful, loving children, and that I am sorry if I frightened him.

He emerges out from beneath the sheets and lets me put my cheek to his, we cry together for a while. I tell him again and again that I love him, I haven't left him, I'll never leave him. I love him and his sister amd his dad.

Then when he is calm and hugs me back, I tell him good night, and go and check on his sister, who is visibly upset as well, and wants to know where dad is and when he is coming home. I reassure her, and feel calmer with the love and forgiveness the kids have shown me.

I have made it through this day, perhaps by the skin of my teeth, but I'm here. I'm not letting go. And in the morning when my husband is home, we will talk this through as a family.

Tomorrow is a new day.