Lived Experience Forum

[26aqua]

Well, today has been a day. 

First started with relationship ending. 

I moved his belongings out of my house. Waiting to be picked up on suitably agreed time. (Undercover and protected of course). 

Then to community mental health for assessment. 

Intergenerational trauma. 

Cptsd

Bpd

Nearly 2 hrs of opening my soul in front of three people. 

Reliving some, what I can truly see now, as very traumatic and reoccurring circumstances. 

On going psychological assessment with in depth therapy. 

Possible drug and alcohol counselling later on, if needed. But also my psychologist can help with this too. 

Although I was congratulated on my being alcohol free for nearly 12mths, by choice, it still didn't feel like an achievement. 

I'm sinking atm and need some time to process. 

I'm sorry to you for not being able to reply to your comments last few days, I'm literally just updating and checking in so the ones who have been following my story, sharing with me know I'm OK, I'm just trying to deal. I will try to get back to those replies soon. I'm just taking some time right now, to deal with this storm that is rolling in. I feel very lost, confused and alone. I'm trying to deal. I've been surviving for over 30 years, just surviving. It is just so much. All at once. 

I'm going to have a warm shower, watch some Netflix with my girls 💜 and try some mindfulness when I go to bed. 

I hope you are all well, taking care and looking after yourselves. 

💜💙💚💙💜

@Zoe7 @ShiningStar @SJT63 @Judi9877 @BPDSurvivor and I know I've forgotten some, sorry.

[SJT63]

@26aqua 

Much love and care to you xxx

[Powderfinger]

@26aqua 

Thank you for the update. What incredible strength and bravery you have shown in one day. In saying that, I feel angry when people say it to me in my darkest, hardest times. I want to scream at everyone. I understand the loneliness, the lost, the confused. I'm there right now too. Add to my health problems. 

I can also understand why you do not feel that being sober for 12 months is not an achievement. I understand all you have been doing is surviving for the last 30 years. I understand because I have felt the same and do feel the same. When all you do is survive and that is all that life has given you, how can you be proud of anything. You just know survival and that is all you know. 

I said to someone yesterday, my only regret in life is being born. I will not bring anyone into my life, my world. It's just too hard now to even do that. 

You may receive some uplifting responses, I suppose I just wanted to say, I understand. I don't know a lot about your story at all. I can't say anything to keep you going because I don't think anything I can say would be helpful. I'm struggling to want to keep going. 

I just wanted to say, I understand. 

Powderfinger. 

[26aqua]

Thank you @SJT63 

I hope all is well, and you have love and care around you, 💙

Thank you @Powderfinger 

I hope you have support and care around you, I appreciate your understanding, your words. 

Not really able to form much of a response. I've written, deleted, rewrote numerous times. I'm just, don't even know right now. I can't describe what I'm feeling, but extremely lost, empty. 

Truly, thank you. 

[Rosie93]

Hi @26aqua 

It sounds like you've gone through a lot lately. It does sound like a lot all at once. You've shown great strength.

I'm wondering, do you have many supports around you? If you feel like talking to someone, it might be a good idea to check out Sane's support services 

Sending strength your way,

Rosie93

[destructive]

Ho @26aqua  that assessment sounds exhausting. I hope it's leads to the support you need amd deserve. 

[Powderfinger]

@26aqua 

Not a problem. I get what it is like to be in this space. Truly get it as I am still in that space myself. Just do what you need to do for you and that is right for you only. 

Powderfinger

[Zoe7]

Haven't been around myself for a few days with a lot to deal with @26aqua It seems like you are well on the way to getting that extra support around you and having some direction to deal with things. I am sorry about your relationship but I also know things were not going well and you were feeling very isolated with it all. You deserve so much better Hon. Sending you love and hugs 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @26aqua 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 

Thank you so much for sharing what’s been happening for you - I’m so sorry for my slow reply 

Oh my goodness - what an absolutely distressing and emotionally charged day for you! I’m so very sorry to hear that your relationship has ended 

What with this and your appointment with the Community Mental Health Team, it’s absolutely no wonder that you feel so lost, confused, alone and as though you’re barely surviving 

Your appointment sounds as though it was quite an intense and gruelling experience  Sharing and reliving our experiences of trauma can be so painful and at times we can become re-traumatised 

Suddenly realising the gravity and enormity of what has actually happened for us in our lives can be incredibly confronting, especially when perhaps we haven’t been able to connect with our experiences.

In my experience, reliving traumatic memories and experiences can leave us feeling vulnerable, scared and disconnected and it can take some time before we’re able to regulate our thoughts and feelings and feel more settled within ourselves  I can really appreciate that you need to take some time to start to process everything that has been happening for you and I just wanted to ever so gently encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself as you work through these things 

I was so sad to read that you don’t feel as though being ‘alcohol free’ for twelve months is an achievement  I think that this is absolutely amazing and I’m really proud of you  well done!

I’m also so pleased to hear that you took some time to care for yourself that evening - this is just so necessary and important 

Please don’t worry about the time that it may take for you to be able to reach back. I’m still here, listening and holding you gently in my mind. There’s no expectation or pressure - just reach back whenever you feel ready and / or able 

Sending you my love and some hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar 

[26aqua]

I want to thank you all for your support, understanding and kind words. 

I feel kind of stuck. 

Not sure what to tackle first. 

Where to start. 

I tidied up my room today. After removing his belongings out last week, it was empty in places and my things were disorganised. I've made a safe place, I have a chair I can sit in, with a small table beside it, I put up some photos of my girls and other special momentos, its a safe haven for me. 

I'm frustrated with my girls, in particular my nearly 13 going on 30 yr old. Instead of the compassionate young lady the week prior, she has turned attitudey, back chatty and damn rude to her sister and myself. I know things have been hard, I am trying to let it go and remember she's only young and has alot to deal with. 

I'll call my s/o Mr L. I don't know what he is. I don't know if its a break we're needing or what. 

He's told me I made him feel delusional and made him feel like a crap person. He told me he has questioned himself because of me, the things I've said to him. 

There have been times I've been truly lousy and said things like 'I never want to see you again, I wish I never moved here, I hate you'. 

He calls my meltdowns/episodes/explosions attitude. 

He told me I have had attitude with him for months and I've changed. He wants the old me back. 

I feel like the old me he is referring to is the depressed, people pleasing, self hating, surviving mode of me. 

I have to say I really don't think I can remember a period of time I was myself (if I even know what that is) during the last several years. I've tried explaining I've noticed patterns (something to talk to psych about) and can see where some comes from. 

I feel like he takes my feelings to personal, like when I would say "when you do/don't do/say this i feel like this". I feel like I tried to communicate but he was responding to me, rather than really understanding.

He told me he doesn't understand my illness. That makes me angry. I've been asking him to reach out for professional advice, to talk to my mh team and I even sent links from reputable sites of information. I'm still trying to understand and come to terms with what's happening inside my head. How the hell am I supposed to educate him too? 

He is sick, he is exhausted. I am too. I am sad because I feel like I wasn't enough, never was going to be enough and all this is put onto me. 

I feel alone. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I don't know who I am. I haven't known who I am for, well, for a very long time. I've never been able to fill out those "a bit about me" or "who am i" . I've always kinda blended into the circumstances around me. 

Yep, I am lost. 

He came to get his belongings but left all his furniture. I wasn't home when he did. I made sure not to be. I told him I wasn't sure how I would react and it would be better for all of us to not tempt fate. 

I can feel he is hurt. He feels like I turned my back on him. 

No, I just can not cope. I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to explain anymore than I have and I need some guidance, from a professional who knows how to proceed. 

So I cleaned my room, and then the vacuum shat itself. Well, not entirely. So I pulled the damned thing apart. I googled you tube and well, in my haste to put it back together left out 4 screws. It hasn't changed, its doing the same thing, so I think a service should fix it and I didn't break it any more. 

I'm thinking about getting a rescue dog. But it all seems to hard right now. 

Everything seems too hard. But I'm trying. And I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. Ahhhh. 

Again, thank you all, 💜💙💚💙💜