30-05-2019 07:32 PM
So, where do I start this...
My sadness, is never ending. My wingman, my travel companion - always there, always waiting for an opportunity to make itself known.
There is no joy in my life. There are fleeting moments of normality or happiness, but those are seldom and far between.
My life feels like it has no purpose. Almost nothing brings me joy anymore. I feel nothing but sadness, sadness and self loathing. I feel as though I am alone, adrift at night in a storming ocean.
I exist solely to assist those around me in a never ending whirlpool of ego stroking, help and continual put downs.
I am a male in a world where there is no place for me anymore.
I'm married to an amazing, beautiful, smart, successful woman, with three children whom I love with all of my being , and yet I've never been more alone.
I would, and have, sacrificed everything for their happiness, and yet I find no solace.
But, hi, how is everyone tonight? Staying warm I hope!!
30-05-2019 10:59 PM
Good evening and welcome @Ozief 😊
What a sad post! And yet, there are many of us here who often feel very much the same as what you have described. So you are far from alone here. You write beautifully by the way. And well done for reaching out to others.
Can I ask if you have been diagnosed with depression or any other mental health disorder? And are you seeing a mental health professional to talk through how you are feeling? You dont have to do this all on your own you know. There are a number of ways we can lessen the impact of depression and/or anxiety. With the right treatment, the way you feel now does not have to be a permanent thing. There is light at the end of the dark tunnel.
You have a lovely wife and three gorgeous children, you have everything to live for ... all the important things in life. You sound like a very devoted and loving husband and father.
You owe it to yourself and your family, to seek the help you need. In many respects you having reached out here is a step in the right direction. Its helpful to hear how others have found a way through the fog of depression. Its helpful to be able to talk to others who have been through what you have. An understanding and supportive community can be a super positive experience, as evidenced by many here.
If you have not already done so, I would strongly encourage you to speak to your GP. They can refer you to a psychologist or a psychiatrist who can further assist. Medication is highly successful for many, but is not right for all. If not an option for you, then there are other self help methods which is very helpful for most people with anxiety and depressive illnesses.
I would welcome hearing back from you, if you would like to chat further. There will likely be other members who will respond in due course, although its fairly quiet here tonight.
You asked how everyone else is tonight. I am not so bad thanks. I have an anxiety disorder (PTSD) and have been going through a tough time these last couple of months. Slowly improving though, thanks for asking. Yes although its cold outside, I have our wood fire blazing, and am warm and snug inside. I have my little dog Holly (see profile pic) tucked in alongside me to keep me company. Does your family have any pets?
Please have a browse through the many threads here on the forums, and feel free to contribute to any other existing thread that interests you. Your input will always be very welcome, and its a good way of getting to know a few other members. I hope to see you around over the coming days. Oh and ... if you wish to alert anyone that you are responding to them .... just type in an @ sign followed by the profile name. For example to 'tag' me .. type @Sherry and it will result in me receiving an email notification to alert me that someone has responded to me.
Wishing you a good night @Ozief
30-05-2019 08:50 AM
hi @Ozief welcome to the forums.
Sorry to hear you're suffering so. I have a 35 year history of depression and, like you, often think of it as the one companion in my life that I can depend on.
It's great you're a family man and have a loving family but I understand being surrounded by those who love you and feeling totally isolated from them.
I get that it's exhausting performing in the social world and feeling like the effort is all one way, that you're putting all your energy into bigging people up and getting nothing but insults in return. It's very lonely & de-motivating.
There are many people on the forum who suffer from depression & know its pain all too well so I hope you will not feel alone and like you have been heard and understood here.
I'm in my mid-forties and it was only 2 years ago that I finally found effective treatment for depression - I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and after some trial & error he prescribed me 2 anti-depressants which now help a lot. Prior to that I underwent a lot of painful, talking therpay for years, with various mental health practitioners. Unfortunately this only gave me low self-esteem & triggered my mental health symptoms (anxiety, depression, nightmarish psychotic illness accompanied by an enraged mood & insomina) & trauma history. That's just my story and different things work for every individual. I'm sure there's something helpful out there for you.
What supports do you have in place for your mental illness? Have you got a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist?
30-05-2019 09:55 AM
Hi @Ozief - Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forums. Despite the fact your male, there is definitely a place in the world for you. You have a family and no doubt friends that will help you through this. What causes the sadness you describe? Have you suffered loss or trauma?
Thanks for asking how we are. I'm glad its Friday and trying to soldier through another day at the office. I feel lucky to have the job I do, but, at the same time a bit frustrated with it.
A little about Me, i probably suffer from mild depression (Seld diagnosing that), I had a meltdown (manic episode) a year ago and was diagnosed bipolar. I'm trying to get myself of the meds due to the side effects. I spent a month in a public mental care facility, but, have been stable since release.
Anyway, I hope that you feel comfortable and welcome here Wishing you well.
30-05-2019 11:05 AM - edited 30-05-2019 01:52 PM
Hi @Ozief and welcome to the forums.
As @Sherry has noted you are quite the poet which has me wondering if writing could give you some satisfaction and purpose in life. There have been some great talents in history, such as Winston Churchill and Sigmund Freud, who suffered from depression but who managed to find a way to live a productive life in an age before modern pharmaceuticals.
If you look around the forums here you'll find it mentioned a few times how writing and other kinds of self expression have had a beneficial effect on the sufferer of mental illness. I'm a schizophrenic myself and I'd be back to square one without my writing and a suitable audience. Your posting here and the evident craft of your words suggest that you agree with this.
This is the place for expressing yourself, and you'll find us an appreciative audience.
19-06-2019 12:25 PM
a warm welcome to you and well done on posting here. Your sadness sounds overbearing and all consuming. How long have you felt like this? Can you understand why you feel as a male there is no place for you. Believe me the world needs good men. And you sound like one. You love your family and have them. Have you confided in your wife about how you are feeling? She may be the best person to support and help you through this.
i understand such sadness. I have had bouts of depression all though my adult life and I am now 67. I have no loving partner to turn to. I lost my career over three years ago and then lost my home and a lot more.. I live with my adult son. We muddle along but my sadness wears him down.
Please seek some help, see your gp, talk to your wife hug your children. Don’t let the sadness steal your soul
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