Lived Experience Forum

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi,

A post came up on my facebook feed this morning re. borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it included something that has always bugged me ever since I was diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago. It said something about the person's emotional responses not really being "her" but "the illness" talking. I am diagnosed with BPD. That means that by definition, "experts" deem that my personality is disordered. Well guess what? My personality is ME. I AM my personality. There is no entity called "me" that is seperate to my personality. If I had a different personality, I would be a different person. I am my personality, my personality is me. So what the heck do people mean when they try to distinguish my personality from me???

I strongly believe that BPD should have been renamed in the DSM-V. I know there was a lot of discussion around this, and yet the name was retained. This means that right now, in the 21st century, BPD is still regarded as a disorder of the personality. You simply cannot call something a personality disorder and then try to say that the "disorder" is distinct from the person.

I can see how with other MIs it makes sense to distinguish the person from the illness. For example, if someone experiences episodes of depression, then I can see how the depression is distinct from the person experiencing it, and the person continues to be the same person during the periods of depression and the periods between those episodes. However, this language simply doesn't make sense to me in the context of defining someone's personality as disordered. As I said, there is no "me" underlying my personality. I AM my personality and my personality is me. You cannot say that my personality is disordered but that I myself am ok and shouldn't feel defined by that label.

I am curious to know how others make sense of this puzzle???

[Sahara]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

interestingly enough, I listened to a radio interview with some kind of scientist eons ago, who tied to explain what our personalities were. It was so fascinating. 

Our personalities can and do change over time- does that mean that the person who we truly are changes over time as well? Are we the same person, deep down, but just with a different personality? Or are we a different person. 

Do we have an identity outside of our personality? And do we have conscious awareness outside our identity and our personality? Most people with spiritual beliefs believe that we do. And neuro-scientists are starting to discoverer that we do, too. 

After all, if we suffer a brain injury (like trauma, or even a stroke) we still have a conscious awareness of ourselves as a person, but we could suffer a drastic personality change. 

Not sure how this applies to BPD, but it is interesting.

[Determined]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Thank you for your post, this has given me something to reflect on regarding my thoughts in this area.

I don't have BPD my wife does but wanted to respond to your comments from a different perspective.
Please understand that I am applying this to my situation and how I relate to my wife and am not wanting to in any way minimise how how you feel about this, only that for my wife and I this line of thought (in the right context) be applied in a positive light.

I also didn't seen the article that you are talking about so cannot comment on its context but have to admit that I have often thought along these lines as a coping method for myself. (Separating the illness from the person). This is something that I try and do when my wife is having a hard time (which she is at the moment) and her emotional responses are more extreme than usual (for us).

I just want to say that I love my wife and would do anything for her as such never want to come across as negative about her or her illness. However I have to say that for our situation there is a big difference between emotional responses that are related to BPD and personality and emotional responses that in times if crisis could be seen as being 'unacceptable' (Ie verbal abuse etc...)
it is at times like this that I would identify or say that it is the illness not the real person/ personality. I say this in the context that at these times, this is not the person that I fell in love with and married. It is this  understanding this that gives me the strength to persevere and look forward to better times.  

So what I am trying to say is that even with BPD my wife is a loving and compassionate person, only in times of crisis 'the illness' takes over and turns her into something she is not. (And takes her to a place she does not want to be), so I see it as an illness not her personality that is being separated. (I love my wife's personality thats why I asked her to marry me 🙂 )  

I hope I have made sense her, happy to clarify if not.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Sahara Yes, it sounds like that radio interview was raising the same question that I am asking; is there an "I" that is distinct from the personality.

@Determined It sounds like your wife is very blessed to have you I recognise that my thoughts in this area have been strongly shaped by my experience. I was diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago. At that time, I felt that there was something very wrong with me because I was so out of control. I hated how much I couldn't regulate my emotions and I was pleading for help. At that time, the negative attitudes towards BPD were all-prevailing in the mental health system (even worse than they are now!!!!). When I was first diagnosed, I had a huge sense of relief that yes, there actually was something wrong with me, and it wasn't ME as such. However, I quickly ran into all the stigma around BPD and was constantly told by mental health professionals that I wasn't REALLY mentally ill - I was just attention-seeking, manipulative, overly-dramatic etc. etc. I remember once when someone called an ambulance because I was super chaotic. All the way to the hospital, the paramedics went on at me about how I was wasting resources and taking them away from people who were "really" sick

So it's like...years ago I had a sense that my emotion dysregulation issues were an illness that I was pleading for help with...and then over the years I've come to a place of acceptance that my issues are me...and now society has backflipped and is telling me that no, what I experience isn't me, it's "the illness." So basically, I think I'm just out of synch with society

Your wife is so very lucky to have you. My family of origin left my world many years ago and I've never had a romantic partner (aside from an icky abuse situation when I was a young teen). I can only imagine how amazing it must be to hear someone say "I hate this illness, but I love YOU." That is totally outside of my experience and I accept that this shapes my view.

Thank you for sharing

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising I think the idea you are referring to is ego-syntonic vs ego-dystonic? Or more rightly I think you explained these terms, (or what I understand these terms to mean).