03-06-2019 11:40 AM - edited 03-06-2019 11:43 AM
Thanks for your welcome to this thread @Dec. I'm sure my fear of my mother waiting for me in the afterlife is irrational, but I often wonder about what to expect from that time of our lives. I have fond memories of very early in my childhood and I've always felt that death is quite simply the reverse of birth.
An image I sometimes use to assure myself of my love for my mother has my brother and I and my mother fishing on the rocks beside a threatening sea. A wave washes over us and my brother and I are safe but my mother is washed away not far from us so that I'm left with the choice of whether or not to go in after her. I always feel like going in without even thinking about it because I sense that not going in would hurt more than risking my life trying to help her.
So perhaps my hate of her is not as strong as my love for her. It's only when she intrudes on my private space, my personal inner sanctum, and so incessantly, as was the case before my present medication, that I feel a passionate contempt for her.
I liken the relationship between parents and children to normal biological cell division. As the cell begins to divide there is a great tension between the two halves, and a great oppositional conflict erupts before the two halves split and become self functioning cells. I like the recursive continuity of this which suggests that conflicts between parents and children are natural and to be expected.
It seems the love endures beyond the painful hardships.
03-06-2019 04:46 PM
I like your phrases
and "love endures"
07-06-2019 11:18 AM
I haven't abandoned this thread - we had a crisis in our family - my son-in-law had an emergency triple bypass operation and I am really happy to report that he is coming home today. He has a lot of rehab to do to recover his health but I am just glad we still have him - this could have been a disaster
Back to the thread - I have been thinking a lot about this and the issues of self-love and self-hatred and I really appreciate all the feed-back and I have considered many things and wondered a lot about it
This is an open discussion and I think it's really important. People seem to have developed self-hatred because of things that have happened during their childhood - including me - and it seems to be really worse for people who have suffered sexual abuse - however
When we are children we are little and helpless - we started off totally innocent and needed nappies - luckily we don't usually remember that - but we did grow and got bigger and started learning and made mistakes and childhood - we are told - is the best time of our lives but is it?
Our feelings for self-love and/or self-hatred must develop then - but what causes one or the other to develop and take over?
And what can we do about it as adults?
I know somewhere along the way I won - I have self-esteem now - I know the things I did during my life time set me up to achieve - I remember making positive decisions when I was as young as 5 years old - no one gave me permission to make these decisions - I just did
How about other people? Can our childlike decisions make a difference? Did we get into trouble when we make them?
I started this discussion some time back under Awareness of Women's Mental Health - in Lived Experience - but as time passed I realised that men needed to be considered in the discussion - also - it's a huge subject
Thanks everyone who has added their thoughts
07-06-2019 02:22 PM - edited 08-06-2019 06:12 AM
Hi @Dec, great to see this thread is still active, and great to hear your son in law is out so quickly. Less than a week after major surgery.
I mentioned in another thread how I made a fairly momentous decision at the age of four, so I agree that even so young we bear great responsibility.
Very early in my infancy I remember being a great dreamer. I used to visit places my family never went to, and I remember dreaming of things which only an infant could dream of. But at the age of four I realized that I couldn't do this anymore, I was limited to my family's house and the behaviour of my parents and siblings, so I made the decision to rehearse as much as I could of what it was like before, and later in my twenties I spent time retrieving these memories. They were partly responsible for the development of my psychosis. I knew from my own experience that there was much more to consciouness than what most people content themselves with.
My childhood was fairly idylic, but in my twenties I was determined to make my own way in the world and to follow my own path which was contrary to what my siblings were doing, and what my parents hoped for and expected of me. So this is where the conflict began in my life.
07-06-2019 04:50 PM
@DecThat is a good direction to take conversation.
Like @SkyView7 I made a few good decisions in my childhood. Many I never regretted.
I was just talking about my sister who died. Her case manager told her she had to come to terms with a decision she made at 8, that of returning to her family (us). She really struggled with that. I feel it was so crucial a decision, that she should have been lead to accepting her own thinking and to have respect for her lack of full social awareness. The way she struggled with it seemed they were putting more responsibility on her shoulders than seemed right for an 8 year old. How can an 8 yo know all the consequences of moving from one family to another, one social class to another and to a different city.
Resolving ambivalence can be hard, but I do think humans have a knack for trying to do the best they can with the knowledge they have....
11-06-2019 04:37 PM
11-06-2019 05:39 PM
@Dec Just read the first three pages. I'm a little shaky, so much of me here, angry inner child/children, years of abuse. Self love being unbelievable. And SO much more.
Thanks for the tag, a very challenging discussion.
Thanks everyone for your heroic bravery.
12-06-2019 12:26 AM
12-06-2019 06:02 AM
Thsnkyiu for sharing @Maggie beautiful song. listening to the song brought lots of tears.
Im struggling so much eith self love and hatred.
Gosh right now I’m feeling like my inner child that needs a hug. 😢
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