Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[katie]

1st time using this site. I wanted to connect with other partners of Bpd sufferers and get some idea on how to hold yr head up high and just simply cope with the cycles.

[katie]

Feeling lost and wrecked

[Former-Member]

hello @katie

I cant answer your question but wanted you to know that someone had heard your concerns.

There is a thread under Carers Forum called: new here? introduce yourself of you wanted to add something there and then you might link up with others who can help.

one of the moderators will eventually respond here as well.

take care

[Determined]

Hi @katie

My wife has BPD,

Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you at the moment as I am feeling lost and wrecked myself as we are currently navigating a difficult time, I just wanted to touch base and let you know you are not alone. Happy to try and answer any specific questions you may have, 

[soul]

Hi @katie. I was a partner of a BPD. I had to leave the relationship because of domestic violence. He is on meds and undergoing serious therapy, attending groups etc. (hoping to "win" me back) I still am in touch with him but sometimes it's certainly a challenge at times to even be a friend. 

What are your concerns? Don't know if your situation is volatile but maybe I can help. 

[NikNik]

Welcome @katie

I hope you're taking care of yourself at the moment.

I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. There are many people whose partner has BPD here in the Forums, as you can see already.

Has something happened in particular to make you feel particularly lost and wrecked? 

[katie]

Hi everyone.. My Bpd partner has only recently been diagnosed with bpd. It explained alot though and even brought a little releif to have some form of explanation to some horribly sad and self destructive behavior . "N" was recently hospitalised for another destructive drug "thing" that ended badly then followed by checking into a private clinic and spent 4weeks until N decided to check out early. I believe N got nothing from the clinic other than some great sedatives and a social life. N had broken up with me weeks before this last episode (which seems to have happened almost same time every year for the last 3 years 😞 )<br>N seemed to just wake up one day with NO warning and just disappear emotionally on me and 3 kids (2 who live seperate from is though.) But...zero emotion..just oneday VOID. its now 1 week since N's walk out on the clinic and N has decided to come home (although alot better, seems very detached). I have convinced N to go back in on another program they offer, but i am so worried that N is simply just looking for a holiday .. i am being told all i want to hear at this point..but almost seems TOO GOOD to be true..which in past experience .....usually is. No violent behavior.although can be extremely agressive. I am just struggling to know where to turn or find any assistance. I am trying to find partners going through..or have gone through similar and know if anyone has any advice with emotionally coping and most importantly to me...has anyone managed to work a way with a bpd relationship???as all i read... seems to be very sad endings. <br>@determined @NikNik @soul

[soul]

Hey @katie, I'm sorry that you are experiencing the roller coaster ride that comes with being a partner of a BPD. The mood swings, the fear of abandonment, the emotional outbursts, the impulsive behaviour and possible self harm make for a trying time. I had to leave my relationship because of physical violence that came out of nowhere and escalated rapidly. 

You have witnessed aggression and I must warn you to be very careful if this translates to assault against you as I would never want anyone to go through what I did. 

There have been many times when I wonder what I could have done differently. Unfortunately my partner wasn't committted to getting help or changing his behaviour. He always had an excuse for it and the blame was sometimes put on me with dire consequences. It's only after I left that he appears to be serious about professional help and taking meds. Because of the trauma that I experienced there is no way I can ever have an intimate relationship with him and even now communication via the phone, email or messaging frequently breaks down. I wish we had both been better informed about his illness and he had sought effective treatment earlier. He had made some haphazard attempts but they were wasted efforts.

Theres a lot of literature out there - on this website and the internet. This is a good start:-

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality...

Educate yourself as much as you can be but at the same time try not to get overanxious as that can rub off on your partner. Look for the signs that things may be turning south (although for me that sometimes happened in the blink of an eye) Effective communication is vital. BPDS think differently and a misinterpretation can result in disaster. 

It's not an easy thing to have a relationship with someone with BPD especially if they exhibit symptoms at the extreme end. I take my hat off to people such as some on this forum who have stuck by their partners through thick and thin. I had to draw the line but as long as you don't take their negative behaviour too personally, there may be hope for you. 

Get the support from family and friends if at all possible and remember to take care of yourself.

I wish you the best. Keep talking to us. 

[Determined]

Hi @katie

I've tried a few times unsuccessfully to write some sort of reply but just cant seem to find the right words at the moment and dont want to say the wrong thing as I am currently struggling to accept our current situation. (Wife going to hospital for ect, being admitted next week). 

We  have been married for close to 18 years and  have 3 children aged 1 - 12 years old. While official diognosis has only been in recent years bpd behaviour has been present our entire marriage. I can relate to much if what you have said. 

I just wanted to let you know that I had seen your post and feel for you at the moment,  and to  say as some form of encouragement that, as hard as things are for us at the moment,  I am determined that our family is not going to be a statistic of 'sad endings' as my darling is so worth it, and it is important to me that our children see that also. 

Can i encourage you, if you have not already, to find a councillor  who you feel understands you and you can connect with to support you through this. I have also found the people on these forums to be a huge support over the last couple of months. 

[Determined]

@soul

I trust this (above) answers your question from the other thread, not intentionality ignoring you, just trying hard not to 'wallow' .