Hey @Brett37
You are most welcome!
You know it doesn't need to be one or the other - it can be fear and insight - the thing to give yourself a bit of credit for is you recognised it and are working on doing something about it. And from the sounds of it determined to be doing something that's more effective than last time.
I know you probably don't feel courageous - but courage (in my book) is not the absence of fear or despair, but persistence in the face of them. And you are; the fact that you are also motivated by concern for your partner is also laudable. When suffering with depression it can be so overwhelming it is quite difficult to be aware of others' needs. I suggest that rather "let myself slide back into a negative frame of mind" - as suffering from MI is not something you have chosen to have, nor something you have acquired through laziness - that whatever it is in you that needs to be heard and worked through is making itself known again, perhaps in part because the psychologist was so dismissive it didn't get addressed last time.
I have no idea what it is which is needing to come out, you might know or again you might not, but it does seem that something(s) exist. In my experience you may not always be more vulnerable to depression than those who don't suffer. I'd like to point out something that most of miss when living with depression, because MI is so stigmatised - that is it actually takes a lot of strength to persist and live with it. Sometimes just getting out of bed is huge. As for others being worse off that is true, but that will always be the case and isn't generally very helpful in making us feel any better about ourselves - indeed it can even be a way of being self-dismissive.
I think you are being real about very valid concerns with your mental health. This is a way to working on it before it becomes so overwhelming that you feel suicidal again. So I say again this is wise in my view. Denial doesn't keep MI at bay, it just tends to mean you get hit by a tidal wave instead of something you can, with help, learn to surf - even if it's not so enjoyable as surfing is for some.
For about 15 years or so I used run like mad when I felt depression rising up like a black cloud heralding a storm. It was terrifying. Then I started to turn and face it which made a big difference. For many years after that I'd grab all the "skeletons" in my emotional "closet" one by one and demand to know why they were giving me grief. Thankfully more recently I've learned a lot about practising self-compassion. Now when I start feeling depressed I can open the closet and ask them (that is ask myself) what's wrong - and I get answers which I can work on so I don't get to the overwhelmed stage.
I'm not going to BS you, this process has taken me almost 40 years to work out, but for many of those years I either had no help or pathologising (ergo unhelpful) help. In that time I've found that there were/are very good reasons for my depression - pieces of my own life puzzle that I've been able to begin putting back together. I'm now at a point where I can actually celebrate my life at least some of the time. I truly hope you can get to that place much sooner.
Re finding a good GP: they are rather the proverbial hen's teeth, like good compassionate psychiatrists. Especially in situations like this it's really important to find someone you feel reasonably comfortable with and has some understanding of MI. Could you ask friends and colleagues if they know of a good gp? Or even the local chemists (if you have any smaller ones near you - I'm guessing the big franchise ones won't necessarily know or care).
It can be worth thinking about what's most important to you in a gp. For instance is it more important that they are a good and respectful listener or that they have a good bedside manner? (Both is nice but if you had to choose.) You might start by thinking about the qualities you valued most in your old gp and work out which were most important, it sounds like you trusted them.
Again you are most welcome. We try to be a supportive and welcoming community. Most of us aren't the type to put it out there for all to see either, myself included. I've only become comfortable about being more open in the last couple of years, and even then I am far less so in my local community where stigma still abounds - something I worry about far less for my own sake these days, but I have children and they have to live here too.
Take care Brett. If your partner is concerned she might like to join the carer's forum. they are a very friendly bunch too and I know she would be made welcome. I occasionally hang out there too, but mostly here.
Hope for life enjoyment endures...
Kind regards,
Kristin
