At 47 I am only now putting together the puzzles that I have lived with since I was a small kid. I don't see my life improving so I can't see why I should bother.
It's a tangled mess of abuse and trauma and then being sidelined. And that was before I was even aware of what I was going through. I just wandered about completely unaware. I knew something was wrong but all the abuses were zipped away by my brain. I suppose it was only protecting me from the trauma that the truth can present.
I feel as if I've been put in isolation, like an alien. I suppose I have presented with a full on presence but that was from a combination of the behaviours and frustrations connected to the conditions and circumstances I've had to endure, the sense that people like me, and that might be the crux of it, just aren't wanted. I'm losing it; the desire to be understood and accepted, that is. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe tht's what been my problem from the start, the reason all this stuff happened.
I hear people 'thinking' at me as they drive buy, with their sarcastic "Are you Happy?"s and various other taunts and jeers. I maintain that I'm psychic, feel free to tell me I'm sick. Clairaudience was probably a word before schizophrenia was. I've been given many indications of my psychic activity but it really didn't kick in for me until later in life and by that stage the trenches had been dug, all around.
Then there's literally, people yelling at me from their cars as they drive by. Twice in the last two days. It's not the voices that are hard to live with, it's the memories, clear and hard, the evident opposition to my existence, the need for people to chip away at my spontaneity and natural state of calm. And before that it was the knowing that something was off but I didn't know what.
I swing from one extreme to the other. I don't know if there's ever really been a time when I had any actual peace in my life and that probably makes for some strange character traits. But not knowing anything other than what I've tried to put down here makes it hard to know what I'm aiming for.
Nothing means anything now, unless you offer to sit with and listen to my story, because it does my head in and it never goes away and it's who I am.
I guess one positive is that I feel a sense of relief. I stop caring what people think as they either don't understand or they don't care. So I don't bother. It's a mindset of determination that can be exhausting. I go from puritanical spartan to alcoholic grub and then back again and they're both extremes.
When I've had a bit to drink I get too focused on the hardships and go on a blaming rampage. Which, while being negative, helps me to identify where things have gone wrong.
I'm not what you'd call an easy going person to be with. I don't have any real friends. I think I've lost trust that anybody could ever be my friend. And if they did offer friendship I'd be extremely suspicious. I feel hated. It seems I have a negative vibe even when I'm 'happy'. I'm just at a loss these days. Wishful thinking gets me through. Wishing that one day all this stuff will indeed be part of the past. But before it can be part of the past, it has to be resolved. And there's some pretty stubborn obstacles in front.
