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SCORPION
Senior Contributor

Masks

Hi after one of my posts in poems someone sugested I say more about chipping away the darkness. 

Well here goes this is going to be an interesting journey. 

From the moment of my accident my world and view of it changed. At the moment of the crash I truly believe that I died I wont go into detail but on the other side of the crash I was surprised to to be there. Alive that is.

For the next 3 months all I had to do was lie there and let things take there course operations injections hospital phycs.Even when they said I would need a wheel chair for a time it didn't phase me my world was taken care of I let myself get instatutionalized.

Then came a really scary day they said they had done all they could I had only just walked for the first time that day. They needed the bed to say I was extremely scared would be the unerstament of all time.

How did I fit into the world I no longer saw myself aspart of I had enough of a time dealing with panic and nightmares now someone though I should step outside.

My solution build a me for others to see while I work on finding me all I had was memory gaps fear and a believe that who I had been had passed . As a child we grow and evole to be who we are but now who wazs I. I felt like a peice of paper shredded and thrown to the wind, I found some bits and started to build

inside a darkness I didn't know what was there . Each day I chip a piece away looking deeper into myself to see what I find somedays its good sometimes I see that bits of me where not that nice at all and dont make any sense but I have to deal with it as it is part of who I was.

Weather I keep it I dont know one day I feel I will have chipped enough away from the darkness inside that my light will shine out and ill see who I am. Till that moment my mask will stay its my protection from the world .

I used to write poetry to release things inside now I write to get back that which is inside.

Scorpion 

4 REPLIES 4
kato
Senior Contributor

Re: Masks

@SCORPION 

wow, what a journey you have been on, i commend you for your courage and strength through such a difficult sounding time.

A friend of mine a good friend, many years ago was involved in a car accident and went through the process of rehab, and learning how to walk again, he found it very confronting on the day that they told him a similar thing, that he had to leave, as in your case they needed the bed, now he is fine, but he still is a bit achey, in his spine, from having metal rods insserted to hold him together, but like yourself he still struggles with the dreams, and anxiety.

Thankfully he found help in group work with others in a similar situation to himself, i cannot remember what the name was, my memory is terrible, and it was a number of years ago

From what i can remember he would tell himself how strong he was to have survived, and that strength would help him to be able to go on, he found addressing his dreams with a psychologist helped, with his distress, and to grow and reshape his thinking.

I don't know if any of this will help you, i am just trying to hopefully give you some insight into the journey of a friend of mine

thank you

SCORPION
Senior Contributor

Re: Masks

Hi Kato

Thank for your kind words I know how your freind must feel I have several metal plates holding me together the one that causes the most discomfort is the one used to rebuilt my pelvic bone.

They can rebuild a body to a degree but the mind is a work in progress I have a good physc and we're getting there it seems to be a longer road thant I thought as of late I have become more depressed than I thought was possible. But I try to keep looking forward. 

 

Scorpion

SCORPION
Senior Contributor

Re: Masks

Hi 

Earlier I spoke about a jigsaw well in the last few days I have been in a dark place and been thinking adout my jigsaw.

A bit of a fill in Tuesday my lawers and gov people finally reached a settlement I thought I would have felt better adout that it just made me sadder. Istill have nightmare pain and a feeling of being lost.

I worked iut that when I complete my jigsaw I should be on the way to being whole again I part but will I like who I will be , I like who I was .

Some of who I am now has too much anger that I have trouble controlling and the weight of the sadness and pain dont help. I'm trying to make the new bits to fit but the spots they go in keep changing and I dont know how to keep going  forward but I know I must.

If I seem to be rambling I'm sorry but I need to put my feelings into words I helps me crystalies my thoughts

One step one day at a time

Scorpion

kato
Senior Contributor

Re: Masks

@SCORPION 

Hi Scorpion, i too find myself wondering the same things, am i going to like who i am going to turn out to be once, i get to being well, i to use your example of the jigsaw pieces, find that the comforting thing is, i can keep changing the pieces, to fit, how i want them too, the only barrier that will stop them from being what i want, is me. The road to be whole again, will show you that each piece that you find, will be able to be changed as needed, so if your not happy with one facet of the puzzle you can take that piece and work on it, to fit you, the way you want it to fit.

It sounds like good news about the settlement, it must be a relief for you, I know you maybe can't see the good of it just yet, but perhaps in time, you might recognise the significance of it.

Your not rambling at all, it is what i do, gets the thoughts out and down, so you can see them better/easier

i hope the start of my post makes sense for you.

 

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