Lived Experience Forum

[Retreater1]

Hello all or anyone, i am new and just joined this forum and this is a quick look at my story. I am now 57 years old and have suffered from depession since early teens and i have never really come to terms or been able to control the symptems, the anxiety and fatigue were constant but varied from extreme to low and with no set patterns. Sometime days sometime weeks in and out of different levels, i never could understand how or why and it caused me so much pain and suffering that it affected every part of my day to day living and decision making. I didnt know about depression then and thought it was normal to be this way but deep down i knew something was wrong and the level of frustration was extreme, i could never exceed in anything or maintain normal relationships with anyone because i just could not cope with being down and mentally i was so drained and scared i would retreat into my own world of pain. This went on for so long before i gave in went seaching for help that i was in a very bad place, had gone around in circles, made every bad decision and knew no other life but pain and struggle. I still dont know how i made it to this age, i really just dont know how i managed to be alive and working and not properly diagnosed or treated and how well i hid this from others by faking illness when down or forcing myself to get out of bed and just get through the day so i could come home and fall into bed again. I started on antidepressants and found some relief and managed to fall in love and to actually start to enjoy life, my partner already had three young children so i never did have any of my own but that was ok. Forward to about three years ago i tried to come off the medication as i truly believed i could cope ok and it was time to make the change, this lasted for about three months when things started to become a bit unstable again so i thought no problem i will restart the medication again. After only two days i had a major negative reaction to the same medication that had previously worked and ended up having a complete break down and off work for several weeks with extreme anxiety and panic attacks, i could not believe what was happenning. At the same time my beautiful partner was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer( she was a non smoker) had to start radiation therapy and stop working, it was a really bad time for everyone and i never got back to the same level of well being even with other antidepressants and had to have more time off work to try to cope with everything. My partner passed away after sixteen months of struggle and i did not cope well at all, some how i got through to be able to work again and resume the battle with my old enemy without effective medication. I thought my luck had changed when i got the chance to work overseas for one year and this went well until i became very sick with dengue fever then post viral chronic fatigue, even more extreme depression  and back home and it has been five months since the sickness started and i am still not working and still trying to get the right help for ongoing problems. It has been a complete nightmare which no one seems to be able to help, yes i have tried everything. I now truly do not know how i am still surviving, i dont know when i will be able to work again( the company didnt have the right insurance and i am not being paid) or what the future if any is for me. I am very disapointed with the mental health and medical system and just lucky to have family to give me the will to go on. I was just wondering anybody else should be so unlucky to have experienced anything similar and can help 

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Retreater1,

A very warm welcome to you. It is great to have you join us on the forums and thank you for having the courage share your story so openly - that can be a hard thing to do.

I am sorry to hear everything that you have been through and my condolances for the loss of your obviously much loved partner. Are you still able to stay in contact with her children? 

I know that you said you have tried everything but in the same way that things that did work are no longer working, i was wondering if some things might work now that were ineffective before? some members had a few ideas here if you wanted to have a look as a reminder..?

I know that there are a lot of other members on here that have struggled with the roller coaster of depression in various ways and for various reason, so I am wondering if anyone else is able to share or suggest something that may help?

@Rick, @stayingsane, @peace @Ma60

[MoonGal]

Hello @Retreater1, So sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved partner and all your trials, tibulations and ill health. 

Your lived experiece is hard yards indeed, I have also had some similarities, post-vitral chronic fatigue, a back injury while working overseas, the untimely death of my best friend in a car accident, being made redundant from my job as a Manager. Living with Bi Polar II, and expreiencing long depressive times and physical ill health.

Like you, all of these things are hard enough just on their own to cope without the burden of all of them accumulating, you have done an amazing job to get through, I am sorry it has been a terrible set of circumstances for you.

I may have some recourse in regards insurance, but it sounds like a bad situation for you with the comapny not having the righ insurance, did you have supperannuation here? Maybe there is some income maintenance component to your super? Worth checking. 

Good to see you hear, i am sorry I can't be of more help, but hope you will find some comraderie and care here at least.

[Retreater1]

Thanks for your reply, i do keep in contact with her children but only limited. Seems life moves forward and no time to waste and i understand there grown up now and have very different lives, plus my current situation has pretty much made me shrink back inside and hide. Until i can find a solution to my problems and gain some confidence to face the world and not make a complete fool of myself then all contact will be limited, and thats with everyone not just them. I am just so frustrated with my situation of ill health and the endless rollercoaster of depression that everything right now seems pointless, i am so terrified of trying any new meds because of the last bad reaction that i wont try anything new unless i am supervised in hospital but they seem to think i am not sick enough for that and right now i cannot afford private. My chronic fatigue is a sickness from another planet and i have given up trying to explain it, so i say to my gp and my shrink that i have an illness that no one can see / hear / feel / touch / treat / and people want me to explain but i cant find the right words its just really really bad and i feel really really bad. I dont know what the next move is and i dont know how much more of this i can take? I have started to prey now even to anyone out there that i can get through this, if there is a god he or she has a bad sense of humor and i really dont like him or her but what choice do i have. Cheers to you Fancy Pants and thanks again for your reply.    

[Retreater1]

Hello Moon Gal and thanks for your reply, yes it is a bad situation and unless i am prepared to risk thousands of dollars for legal action then i am stuffed for choices. Because it was overseas and because it was a mosquito born virus i really dont have much chance of compensation, i also dont want to touch my super yet. The whole situation is just so frustrating and the illness is just so debilatating that i have given up hope of a good outcome, just maybe i can salvage some parts from the reckage to help me move on if i can make it through.