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Gidday2u
Casual Contributor

I'm not invited

It's finally happened, after 29 years my beautiful son has told the truth out loud. He is getting married next month & after saying nothing out loud until last week he told me he thinks it would be better if I didn't come. Wow I know my MI has been hard on both my children, I have CPTSD with depression. I understand it's his wedding however, I'm really struggling with what or how to cope with this one. To top it off he has told me that this will help us build our relationship back to where it once was ?? I'm in a daze right now, the only other family I have is my daughter, it's not fair to look to her for support, she needs that from me. Can I ask for your thoughts and support, I really need some friends right now. (L) gidday2u
6 REPLIES 6

Re: I'm not invited

Hello and welcome Gidday2u. Firstly, I just like you to know you most certainly have friends here. There are people on this site who have had similar experiences.

Mental illness can be devastating to families for so many reasons. Unfortunately, it's often the one suffering the illness who has to shoulder the extra burden of misunderstanding coming from within the family itself.

My sons left me when they were fairly young, 16 and 17 in fact due to my then undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. They did their own thing without me for many, many years but once they reached their thirties, they seemed to obtain enough life experience that told them it was ok for their parent to be different and today we're doing just fine. No, they're not on my doorstep every day or even every week or month. We live separate lives, but when we do get together, they're not too fussed about introducing me to their friends and we always have a great time, but it took all those years for them to come to terms with who I was, even though none of us knew the name of the disorder I carried within me.

Your son's wedding is naturally a very special occasion for you and I'm sure no words are adequate to describe how you must be feeling. Unfortunately, if it's his choice, then there's little you can do about it. How would you feel about at least asking him for a copy of the wedding photos? Or at least ask him to come around and show them to you?

I had to tread very, very carefully with my two boys, but it was worth it in the end. Today we often speak over the phone and they continuously update me on what's going on in their lives.

I'm really sorry to read about what's happening to you. It's just so unfair. Please keep us informed on how you're going. None of us know each other from a bar of soap, but we're all here for you at this terribly trying time.

Kind regards, Ellie.

 

Re: I'm not invited

Hello Gidday2u! I hit the " like" but it should be more of a " I hear you" thing. I have no idea how you cope with this as I have never had kids, but I think it would be very wounding....virtual hugs to you!

Re: I'm not invited

Hi @Gidday2u 

 

I'm sorry to read you are in this sutation. It would be really hard to hear that from a family member.

What I'm reading that is positive is that he's openess to rebuilding the relationship. Has the relationship been a bit rocky between you both in the past?

 

While I think it's great he's open to rebuilding the relationship, I think some plans have to be made as to how that will happen. Respecting his decision not to have you at his wedding, is a step in the right direction, however, it's not going to solve everything.

 

Have you suggesting seeing a family counsellor or psychologist together?

 

I would suggest doing this before the wedding, as I think it's important that you voice your saddness about not being invited, to him in a safe and productive environment.

 

Again, I'm so sorry to read that things are tough for you right now. It would be really hard to try and accept this for the benefits for the relationship, while really wanting to be there.

I'm sure other Forum members will have experiences they can share involving their family too.

 

Re: I'm not invited

Thank you so much for your kind and well thought words, I needed them! At times like this it's hard to keep ones mind focused on the issue at hand and not all the things that are in the back ground, namely me and my problems. Thankfully as sad as this all is we are working on what's at the heart of this, he came back from a work trip yesterday and I had a visit in the afternoon for an hour or so.
We talked and there is a lot more to do but,, he is prepared to meet me somewhere in the middle by way of understanding ( trying) my illness and me not withdrawing from him, as I've done so in the past. So we will take one step at a time. xx

Re: I'm not invited

Dear @Gidday2u 

A belated but warm welcome to the forums! Thanks so much for your open and courageous first post in joining the conversation.

This must be so heart-breaking for you. My son is 18 and his girlfriend is a beautiful young woman who I really love. If down the track they decide to get married then I will be delighted, but if they don't invite me I'll be utterly devastated.

I too have C-PTSD and bipolar type 1, and have suffered from depression for most of my life. I have tried to hide the depression from my kids as best I could to try not to impact them. But in all honesty I know it has done in spite of that.

And now the hard part of my journey. I didn't invite my mum to my wedding either. I simply couldn't bear to. I felt like I'd rather elope than have my mum at my wedding. I think I handled it very badly. I'm pretty sure my mum had bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder (undiagnosed). She was a very abusive and neglectful parent. I'm ashamed to say that I called her (she was in London with my sister at the time) and told her I was getting married but I wasn't inviting her, then I asked my sister if she would come. I did this in part because I was still very angry with my mum. Even still it was a very painful decision to come to.  My younger sister refused to come as a result.

Mum and I did end up beginning to work on our relationship when I became pregnant with my first child. By the time she died 14 years later we had grown quite a supportive, caring and respectful relationship which allowed for the vast difference in our perspectives on almost everything (particularly parenting).

You may be wondering - why am I telling you all this horrible stuff? Good question! I want to point out that I did something similar to your son, but I didn't reach out to her - instead I pushed her away.

Your son has tried to reach out to you. I don't know - maybe he feels he can't bear to invite you. But he doesn't hate you. Being prepared to meet you somewhere in the middle and try to understand is a gesture of love. I'm so glad he's made that, and I hope this is the start to growing a much stronger sense of understanding and love between you.

Hope for loving relationships with our children endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

Re: I'm not invited

Hello and welcome @Gidday2u
Sounds as though you and your son are working on keeping connected which I think is ruddy marvellous.. I did not invite one of my parents to my own wedding and I do not regret it for a second.
It was the right decision for me to make at that time.

I still will not have both parents at same time ( they're divorced) and they both know that.
They have accepted that these are my rules for maintaining my own sanity.

But I know it feels like rejection of you as a person, for me it was more of "no you two are not going to argue, create a scene or anything because one of you won't be there"

Believe me, the divorce was raw enough still for scenes aplenty...which would gave impacted directly on me..

Hoping that the next family event for your son, it will be your turn to get the invite..

And, perhaps his decision is out of concern for you, he doesn't want you overwhelmed and withdrawing...


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