Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Daisy]

What I hate is that I just want a "normal" life. On one hand, I know nobody has that, but on the other hand - is it THAT much to ask for?!?!? I know "normal" is open for interpretation, so what I mean is: I just want a life that is not so difficult to just get through each day. My husband and I are both professionals living and working in Sydney. In addition to this, we are trying to start a new buisness. Tomorrow, he has a workshop to attend on marketing - obviously to get ideas for how to promote our new business. All fairly "straight forward" and "normal" right??? except for the fact that he doesn't feel confident that he can cope with just getting in the car and driving there. He needs to be there by 9.15am, but he doesn't want to drive, because he finds this stressful and ultimately - this "stress" could lead him to "not coping" with the day, which then in turn leads to me having to support him - yet I have a full time job to hold down and my own commitments.  If he catches public transport, it requires at least two different buses, and a lot more time.  I, ironically, have my own comittments in the morning... with full time work, I am meeting someone at 7.45am in the morning to work on the last part of my studies - relevant to my own career, before I then start work at 9am in the city.  Furthermore, I struggle with my own depression and getting up that early in the morning is far from an easy task - let alone supporting my husband to get to HIS commitments. I know this could all sound so trivial, and stupid details, but it's not to us... because a "normal" person, would just simply drive there in the morning, with no big deal. leaving After my comittments at 7.45am... hey, even dropping me off on the way - and giving them plenty of time to get there. Ironically... he couldn't even park the car tonight as it was too stressful for him... so I had to do it for him while he waited (and played on facebook while I did). I feel angry, yet i want to support him, yet I need to look after myself, yet if he falls apart (or I do) then what?

[Harriet]

Hi Daisy,

I'm not sure why I'm replying as I don't know that I can offer you any great advice, other than that, you are right, we all want a 'normal' life...it seems a little elusive to me.  I can sense your frustration - sometimes the little things become big things, magnififed by peering into the future and feeling like things won't change; they are stuck like this and you'll be forever negotiating complex sets of demands for simple things like getting to work.  It's also not so nice when you feel like you're the one who is always making the compromises.  Perhaps it's 'cheap' advice, and it can drive me up the wall when people suggest it to me in the tough times, but things do change, and shift, and improve (sometimes not very consistently!).  

I've sometimes found it helpful to look up good articles on recovery, for example some of Pat Deegan's writing has been valuable in helping me to keep going.  Also, if you're linked in to support services (or if you'd consider it), carer's respite support could be useful when things need to give.

Annyway, basically - hang in there.  I hope you get a good day soon.

[Pax]

It can be so hard to balance all the "moving parts" - and the challenges of having to balance your needs against the needs of the person you support can be so overwhleming sometimes.

I know it's probably a lot easier said than sone, but it might be necessary to re-assess your husband's ability to cope with work stress and try and move towards a change of career paths for him that will allow him to operate more functionally and without as much support...

Anyhow - I hope you work out the best way ahead for you and him.

My best,

Pax

[Daisy]

Thanks Harriet. I guess that's what I was feeling ... Frustrated. Frustrated at how what may seem like little things can become big things. Good news is he changed his mind and decided to drive and it all went fantastically! Thanks for the tips. Will look up Pat's writings.

[Kaz]

You CAN have normal life! Develop your own pro-active wellness plan and you'll recover and keep well.

[Harriet]

Good luck Daisy.  A couple of articles of hers that I'd recommend are 'Recovery as a journey of the heart' and 'A letter to my friend who is giving up'

Glad to hear it all got sorted in the end - it's most annoying that so much angst seems to have to happen in order to get there though!

Take care - and treat yourself whenever you can 🙂

[Annabelle]

Hi Daisy,

Did you feel it was helpful just writing it down? Sometimes (maybe most of the time) there are no answers and there is not much you can do about your situation, but being able to talk about it to people who understand and don't judge can be very helpful.

When I talk to people I feel like I am whinging and they don't want to hear about it. I read a quote somewhere that said: '80% of people don't want to hear about your problems and 20% are happy you have them.' 

It sounds like you are both pretty amazing. And normal.

Annabelle