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dands26
Senior Contributor

Falling apart

I have just discovered this forum and am hoping that i can find some people who have simillar experiences as myself. 

4 weeks ago my then partner decided to end our relationship, he suffers PTSD which has turned into somewhat chronic depression. 

He asked that i remain his friend as he feels as though if i didnt he would have no body. 

I am upholding his request and trying to support him the best that i can. He has not done anything to hurt me in anyway and he believes that ending the relationship is better for me then me continuing to live alongside him and his depression. He feels he is not worthy of somebody doing that. 

He has expressed alot more since we have seperated about his feelings towards different things that have happened throughout his life and i guess as such contributed to how he feels today. 

Taking out the relationship and looking at this as even just a friend, sometimes it is very difficult. I dont know what to say or do to some of the feelings he tells me. 

I am new to this forum its my first post. I am unsure how much information to give, but i am hoping there is somebody out there who has some words of support or wisdom for me. 

 

Thanks in advance

200 REPLIES 200
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Falling apart

Hello @dands26

A very warm welcome to Sane. I would like to say firstly how lucky your ex boyfriend is to have a friend such as you. It's very admirable to see how you have stood by him so selflessly after he broke up with you. It's a shame he did not give you an option or a say of what you believed was best for you with the two of you (or did he?). It is true that a lot of people who struggle with depression do push others away feeling unworthy and some can struggle to cope with commitment as every day living can be enough on it's own.

Its difficult to give words of wisdom with little information but one thing I can say is that it is difficult for anyone to know exactly what to say or do when someone is expressing their inner most pain. Most people expressing this just needs to be heard by the other person and have their pain acknowledged and validated. To know they are not alone in it - as your friend has expressed to you already.

So just being there and listening is supporting him - and letting him know of his worth. Also helping him to see the good, no matter how small, in his life "in the present", encouraging him subtlety to set goals within his personal limitations would help him to see hope of a better future and not become stuck in the past. Which helps to take another step forward.

Is your friend seeking professional support? This would also help him tremendously as he may need medication to restore any chemical imbalance or counselling - and his mental health issues may become too complex for you to deal with alone.

How do you feel about this new form of friendship - do you feel you can talk and lean on him as well? Do you find it difficult for him to open up to and depend on you without there being any scope for a relationship? Your feelings and well being matters too - please don't neglect yourself and your needs (or fear of expressing them) in this process. Otherwise your mental health may also suffer. Friendships are also a two way street.

Please feel free to share more information if you need more support and guidance. We are here to help in any way we can. Others will also jump on in time. Hope to see you around the forums 😊

 

Re: Falling apart

I don't know all the details myself. 

Before we started dating i was aware that when he was younger there was an accident that he witnessed with his dad and brother and they are no longer here. 

He was bullied extremely at 14. 

Ever since he has been socially awkward and didn't make friends or felt as though people didn't want to be his friend. 

He was seeing a psychologist when we first started dating and would break down and cry often. This become further and further between instances. 

His psychologist moved and he was unable to see him, he tried to see somebody else but didnt feel comfortable. 

He started making friends with people and become better in social situations. He started setting goals and we begun fufilling some of the goals or dreams he always had. 

Roughly 3 months ago his mum expressed that she was going to move interstate. 

He started declining very quickly. 

He would stay in bed all day unless he had to work, he wouldnt sleep of a night, he struggled to go to bed. 

One afternoon he suddnenly told me it was over but become hysterical telling me he loved me. We tried to talk the next day but he kept telling me that the relationship was perfect and that he was broken so there was nothing we could do to fix it because he needed to be fixed. 

He told me he thought i would leave him if he went to counselling and things started coming out. 

He told me that it wasnt fair on me if i had to live with him and his depression. 

And no he did not give me a choice on what was best for me. I would have stayed and braved any storm. 

He asked me to remain his friend as he expressed that he felt like if he didnt have me he didnt have anyone. 

He feels that being in a relationship i have to make sacrifices because he has a mental illness. But yet i feel like being his constant support but not being in a relationship if the biggest sacrifice he has ever asked me to make or put me in. I have to sacrifice my love for him to do right by him. 

He has only just started opening up about the bullying and his dad. 

He is booked to see a psychiatrist now (hopefully this will help) 

I am unsure sometimes on what to do or not to do and i have a fear of doing the wrong thing. 

Thank you for responding. Its great to have somebody to be able to talk to that understands what it can be like to support somebody with a mental illness. I do understand that all situations are different.

Re: Falling apart

Hello @dands26, welcome to the forums J

It sounds like you are in a difficult place with your friend/ex-partner. It can be so confusing when you both still care for each other but feel like you cannot be together for one reason or another. I can understand why you are feeling uncertain.

@rosey has also recently parted ways with her partner. Although your stories are different, you are both facing the question of what your role is now. I wonder if you can relate to her story here

@PeppiPatty, @Faith-and-Hope and @Shaz51 are members who have been around the forums for a while and support husbands with mental illness. You can read about their experiences at the following links:

I need feedback with my husband

Eating disorder – need a shoulder

Ups and Downs of Husband’s Mental Illness

Re: Falling apart

DEar @dands26

How are you this morning? I remember when I put a restraining order on my husband only 18 months into our marriage that most of me believed he would change and come back but there was a little of me where I felt that he couldnt do it.

We have been successfully married for 6 years.......18 monts of it when I put a restraining order on him.....it feels every day that there is something else to deal with these days but it doesnt diminish my love or care for him. It just gets exhausting and frustrating.

MAy I start by writing this:

At my age of 50 years old: I can see whether your that type of person:

Someone who can cope with being in love with and sacrifice short term goals to comprimise with someone who suffers mental health issues at times. 

I feel that there best thing for you :

Get stronger within yourself, like gather a support team around you. You can do this by:

Visiting your Gp for a confidential conversation?

Perhaps having a look at your own physical daily health?

Ask for an appiontment to see a Psychologist to get through this hump?

Visit old friends you havent seen for a while and just.......meet for coffee and keep it light......remember the things that YOU love to do. 

We are all learning here......it's difficult....As my husband says "Mental HEalth is like having bad days, good days and getting through them. 

Also, both my youngest son and my husband are very freaked out and insecure that Christmas is coming u p........IMG_E0126.JPG

 

 

Re: Falling apart

Hi @PeppiPatty

I am good i hope that you are well also,

I have had a conversation with GP and i am seeing a counsellor once a fortnight just to help guide me through this time, however sometimes i feel the best support and advice comes from those who can relate in one way or another. 

Since posting we have jumped some hurdles such as his graduation from tertiary education which he decided to attend if i would go and support him and his work christmas party which he attended alone which are huge steps for him. 

We had a discussion regarding rekindling our relationship as a couple however i put the breaks on that one as i dont think its right for his mental health right now. He has too many other things going on. 

Some days are a struggle and i want to run away. However i go for a walk and refresh myself. I know that running away is not helping and supporting him through this time and that is what he has expressed that he needs right now. 

At the present before we have dinner on thursday ive asked that he participates in something for me. Ive asked that he writes down 4 things that would make him feel loved or supported if someone was to do those things for him and ive done the same. 

My ask is that we swap the list on thursday and we do one thing off each others list a week for 4 weeks. 

Fingers crossed it may help him feel less scared that i am going to run away and leave him all alone. 

Re: Falling apart

Hello @dands26 and welcome to the forum

how are you today

It feels he does not like changes , My  husband wo has had MI all his life hates changes , we have been through soo much over the years , I hink he still feels anxious about our future

how long have you been together

Hello @Acacia Woman Happy

Re: Falling apart

hi @Shaz51

im good today, how are you?

You are 100% correct, he does not deal with change well at all, 

his mum leaving is a huge change and his anxiety just got worse and worse the more decisions had to be made. 

He also doesnt like making decision which hasnt helped either as in this situation many decisions had to be made. 

He overthinks situations so much that making a decision scares him incase its the wrong choice. 

 

We have been together 2 and a half years. 

He had only ever had 2 relationships before myself and neither lasted longer then 3 months

Re: Falling apart

Oh wow @dands26 , sending you lots of knowing hugs Heart

My husband  also doesnt like making decision which is hard because he wants me to make them for him

my husband also overthinks situations so much that making a decision scares him incase its the wrong choice. ( and mine has made lots of wrong choices )

I am his second wife  and have 4 step children who are all adults now

also he overthinks so much , that when he finally tells me what`s bothering him -- not sure what really upset him at the beginning  

Re: Falling apart

Jeppers @dands26

You are way ahead of me when I began the Mental health journey......

I like that you did that 4 writing things down ......

I must just write that his menal health is fragile and he needs you. How do you feel when I write that? 

This journey is very isolating and also,,,,,,,extremely different and exciting than your peers.......When me and my partner first met after many years f not seeing each other, we just knew that we were meant to be together. He and me married about 9 months after re meeting each other. 

We used to go to High School together but hadnt seen each other for about 20 years. We were only aquaintences..........But I had been dreaming about him about 2 weeks before we re met......

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