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andromeda9
Casual Contributor

Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Hi everyone,

 

Hope you are all safe and healthy. My husband is suffering from mental illness. It has been tough. It probably started in a mild form about a year ago, but he strongly resisted any help offered to him. He started believing his thoughts very very firmly. Initially I used to challenge his thoughts and try and show him perhaps a more positive view. However, we would invariably end up in fights and he would dismiss my view. His condition got so severe that he had to leave the country in fear that he was being tracked, phone calls were being tapped, his career was destroyed etc. 

I honestly have felt numb, helpless, stuck. I could not agree with him, couldn't challenge him beyond a point, and he wouldn't agree to seeking help. Therefore the last 6-8 months have been very challenging. I feel depressed, stuck and I feel like I get sucked into his thoughts during situations. At times there are decisions to be made and he wants to take charge because of his mind set. So we're dealing with very cryptic communication, multiple email addresses (basically trying to hide). Certainly ones personality also plays a role in how difficult situations are handled. I'm looking to understand what are some coping strategies for carers, specifically in cases where you're caring for someone who has delusional disorder (persecutary type).
We are currently setting up appointments for my spouse to see a GP and a mental health plan. Any advice around how to navigate this process? 
I feel a sense of relief knowing I can pen my thoughts here and learn from others experiences.
Positivity and strength to all, Thank you

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Hello @andromeda9 

It is a most difficult condition to manage in the intimate spousal relationship.  I can relate a lot as my ex husband was similar.  I spent a lot of time trying to be rational, and engaging, supporting, encouraging, but only agreeing as far as I honestly could, trying as delicately as possible to challenge obvious delusions.

 

My experience is a mixed bag.  There were successes, but a lot of difficulty.  Protect yourself, dont lose yourself in his world.

Stay Safe

Smiley Happy

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Thanks for sharing your experience @Appleblossom 

What really resonates is what you said "don't lose yourself in his world". I find myself getting sucked into his world during situations, normal situations, for instance booking an apartment for short term lease. He has his thoughts and will identify a place that meets his check list based on how he feels safe. Invariably the apartment is discrete, on the 71st storey of a building that doesn't have too many reviews, and more over he doesnt share information about it, it isn't a joint decision. he will quickly bulldoze you into making the decision because he just wants it done that way. 

It is certainly a difficult situation. Did you seek therapy for yourself in the process as well? How did you cope? 

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

@andromeda9 

Lots therapy.  Started seeing his doctors.  Ended up taking family (3kids) to Family therapy for 8 years.  Had pvt company for 8 years. Was with him 16 years. Each of us has a house, but relationships wrecked.  We are cordial on the surface now.

Dont want to influence you too much with my story. 

In his words.  I was like the frog who got boiled gradually.  If you dont want them to hop out of the pot, you turn up the heat slowly.

 

My problem was lack of boundaries.  Your story will be different cos you are different people. Both my parents were Dx with Sz, and I tried to "love him into sanity" but wrecked mine. Silly Me. Each person with the Dx is unique.

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Hello @Appleblossom.  It's getting late and am very tired, but saw your post and felt compelled to reply, offer a hand in friendship.  This is such a difficult and lonely journey.  Only those going through it will truly understand.  

 

My daughter has schizophrenia and recently went off her medication.  Rejected all of her mental health support.  As was expected she has returned to me for sole support.  I do not have a partner.  And even if he were in place would be of little help as has schizoaffective Disorder himself.  He has PhD in physics, now unemployed.  Tragic loss of great mind.   When he does speak with our daughter (on the phone, never in person) he adds to her distress by buying into her delusions, conspiracy theories.  Crumbs, so hard. 

 

I'm new here too Appleblossom, but see you are looking for ways to cope.  Me too.  All of us I guess.  As Andromeda says, she tried to "love partner back to health."  I did same, but with little success.  Became exhausted trying.  The best I can offer is as Andromeda notes, my lack of boundaries helped no one. I am trying to set real boundaries now as if I don't will drown as you describe.  I feel trapped, suffocated, ptsd, angry, guilty, and all other negative emotions available.  Depressed too.   I want to help her, but if I don't help myself both of us will go down.  This cannot be allowed to happen.  Good parents know the importance of boundaries. My best to you Appleblossom.  To bed now.  So tired.  We'll get there Appleblossom.  ~. Climatechange

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

I think I've gotten names muddled. Meant to respond to Andromeda but spoke to Appleblossom. My head is not very organised at the moment. Seeing my daughter deteriorate is frightening. Seeing doctor tomorrow and hoping for the best. Hope is a rope. Holding on tight.

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

I was wondering when I read your post. @Climatechange Its good you clarified. If @andromeda9  logs on again she will realise.  Sometimes Family Therapy and Bowen theory can help.

 

Yes there is often the beautiful mind/science connection with schizo ... type disorders.  We had that. I also struggle with adult child. 

Heart

 

Take good care of yourselves, both of you.

Smiley Happy

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

@Climatechange Thanks for sharing late yesterday. The journey is a lonely one I agree. After a year of keeping this to myself, I have finally shared it with a couple of close people. It has helped a little knowing that I'm not all alone. For the last 6 months my spouse and I haven't been living together because of his fear of being tracked for which he left the country. But we will be together in a weeks time and it is surely making me anxious! I'm actually scared because it takes me to a dark place. It's like I am under some spell. I have been meditating and journaling in the last few months, and I will need to practice mindfulness when we are together and not lose myself. We will be speaking to a psychologist soon before we reunite and I'm hoping once she conveys to him what his condition is, he will be more open to the help. Wishful thinking, because they say people who are going through delusional disorder do not typically seek help. 

One of the things that you both talk about @Climatechange @Appleblossom is setting boundaries. The more I think about this, the more I'm lost. I certainly think that is an area I need to look at. I'll see a therapist myself to help me through this. Setting boundaries has always been difficult for me in certain intimate relationships - initially it was with my mother. Finally after 4 years, our relationship is more equal. But not with my husband. 
One of my friends' brother is a psychiatrist and he said people who suffer from psychosis respond better to non-family members. Has that been your experience as well?

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Hi @andromeda9 and @Appleblossom  and @Climatechange.

 

Cant tell you how much my heart went out to you all to hear your stories as sometimes you feel so alone in this journey. As you here so much about anxiety and depression but not so much delusional psychotic depression which my husband also was diagnosed with last year. I related so much to your heartache and fears. 
It was like living a night mare last year when it all started to unravel. And he had the same, he thought people at his work were against him and and trying to set him up and to end up in jail. Then it began people outside were following him, he thought cameras were in our house. And then it hit emer he bcs for me when he thought I was in on it. That's where I just took the bull by the horns and took him straight to psychiatric emergency ward. I think my 30years of experience with my mother as a bipolar I just knew what was needed and unfortunately not foreign to me. I did have to slightly trick him to say I think we just need to go to hospital because somethings not right because he couldn't get out of bed. 
I know that in others situations that's not always possible. And I was just lucky at the time he went. But even after that it took months of him accepting that the story in his head was true and that he may have a problem. He did agree to speak to psychologists but they were going around circles. 
Again like your stories  my husband is a highly intelligent man and over thinker. 
mans and artist. So I drew him a map/picture to show him what was happening for him. That he was spending all energy on this story when in fact there's a deeper issue at work that he needs to spend his energy on 
The real issue. And that's coming to terms that he has a mental health issue. 
Biggest breakthrough was getting him to a good psychiatrist and getting an anti psychotic drug. It helped him to see the light a bit then the psychologist appmts became productive. 
It was the scariest time of my life and I'm still trying to recover and my mother just past last year when I thought I was finally free of mental heath issues only to have this happen. I'm still trying to come to terms with it and whether I myself can cope mentally staying in a relationship for another 30 years with mental health issues. Being my mothers carer was extremely traumatic for 30-40years. 
I hope some of the things I mentioned helped. I agree boundaries is the biggest issue here. I had to ask my husband to leave until he realised how serious the situation was but we did keep in close contact as I have 3 kids and I didn't want them to be affected. They still don't know the full story. 
After the emergency ward the next  step was GP and psychologist. But definitely needed a psychiatrist as well. 
He had to take a year off work but things definitely improved a lot almost back to normal but he is wanting to come off his meds with the drs backing and I'm not sure I'm ready for that I'm still recovering and it wasn't that long ago and he has had small relapses in between nothing too serious though just thoughts. 
Please reach out you have encouraged me by sharing your story that there is others that understand and I hope I can encourage others too. Sorry for long reply. But I thought it might help hearing what got me through and also sharing helps me too. 

Re: Drowning. Looking to learn from others here

Sorry I forgot to say in my previous reply I started seeing a counsellor/psychologist and was essential for me staying sane and how to navigate the situation. Please put your mental health As a priority too and I refused to follow into any story. I respected him and said I can see how you would feel that but there is always lots of ways to look at things and I have to disagree with you and maybe you can’t always trust what you feel or think. Even without a mental illness we can’t always trust our thoughts because we get tired and emotional and sometimes we just need perspective. For your own sanity don’t take part in his stories you can do so Still respectfully. And you can empathise but you can call it for what it is.
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