Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

@BPDSurvivor @Former-Member  Thank you both and sorry to reply so late I am struggling again a bit. 

@greenpea   Tagging you as requested earlier. 

I am struggling today and had had a bad night last night I have a new-ish creature following me around and it is scaring me, I had a bad session with my new psychologist and that amoungst a number of others things meant I had a big panic attack. I was crying and pacing and the beings kept telling me I needed to hurt myself and I keep thinking that the people at the hospital put a device in me to control my thoughts and some other things and I could feel it last night and kept saying I need it out over and over because it was uncomfortable and I keep getting scared I will end up in hospital again if people find out what is going on but I am too scared to go there again I am just trying to do small things and keep busy but everything is very difficult at the moment. 

[Whitehawk]

Hi @Eden1919 

I read your post and am so sorry to learn that you are really struggling after your session with the psychologist and a bad night last night. Are you able to keep yourself safe tonight Eden? I really hope your are able to keep a hold on what is real and to appreciate that you are not being controlled by others. We all hope you find strategies to get some calmness and control tonight.  Please reach out for help off the forums if you need to use a 24 hour helpline. Is there a mental health professional you can contact tomorrow to get support?

Take extra care

Whitehawk

[BPDSurvivor]

@Eden1919 

It sure sounds difficult. Hang in there. You can do it. It's an unpleasant space - an unknown space, but rest assured, there are people holding your hand as you sit through this storm.

It's good to hear you are trying ways to manage this space such as keeping yourself busy. 

For me, when I'm in a hell of a space, and no words can comfort me, one big warm hug helps slow things down.

If it works for you, big warm hug to you.

[Eden1919]

@BPDSurvivor  Thank you. 

@Whitehawk  I think I am safe for tonight I don’t really have anyone I can contact tomorrow.... I am meant to be getting a phone call from a psychiatrist on Tuesday but they are with the public mental health services and I really don’t trust them at all so I am not even sure if I will be able to talk to them properly. It is supposed to be like an assessment for what community supports I might need. I can feel the device thing though and it isn’t just my head they are doing stuff to my body I can feel it and it doesn’t feel good and I keep trying to ignore it but I can’t all the time and that is why they kept giving me meds to make me sleep cause they did it while I was asleep and it is just really stressing me out and I am trying to just do calming things. I know no one will believe me the psychologist said I was delusional but I don’t think I am I wouldn’t be able to feel it if I was but also she just wants me to think that so that I don’t try and get rid of the device not that I would even know how I just want it out. Everything is just kind of a mess. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Sweetheart I wish I could offer you more than just words. If I could take your pain away and wear it for 24 hours to give you some peace I gladly would. I am sitting with you my dear friend and you will always be in my thoughts regardless if I am online or not. I will say a little gentle wish for you on my walk this morning.  There are some beautiful stars out atm I will pick the prettiest and make a gentle wish. Keep safe beautiful. Stay in touch. Love always peaxxx

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  Thank you. 

I didnt sleep well again and everything is still very intense. I am trying to keep distracted but I feel weird I can’t describe it exactly it is just really weird. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919 , just checking in to say hello and to see how you're going? You don't need to reply, or support my post, or read it even. I'm just thinking of you and letting you know I care, and I'll try my best to support and be there for you as much as I can.

I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope you're ok and that you're safe. Like I said you don't need to reply or read this, I understand if you need time to yourself and whatnot. Either way please be safe and take care xx

[Eden1919]

@greenpea @Former-Member  Thank you both. 

I am struggling a lot tonight I am super nervous about tomorrow and I am feeling super agitated and on edge and I don’t feel right and I still feel weird and I can’t really explain it properly everything is really intense, 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919will be going to bed now to try and get some more sleep if I have no luck will let you know and then we can talk the night through :). Whatever happens you are not alone. Love peaxxx