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SoccerCoach
Casual Contributor

Close friend to someone with borderline personality disorder

Hi Everyone, thank you for visiting these forums, I hope you find the help you need and deserve. No one should go it alone.

I have a close friend who grew up in a country that was and still is battling civil war. He doesn't talk about his childhood a great deal but the words 'child soldier' do come up and my heart goes to him and anyone that has experienced anything like that. I can't imagine the horrific things he would've witnessed and I can't pass any judgement until I do! I first met him in 2013 through my soccer team.

He was confident and competent, one of the best coaches our team had ever seen and we still feel that way. The other girls on my team noticed the connection he and I had; similar interests, similar sense of humour and how naturally we could chat away. Over the years I noticed more and more that he was choosing to ignore me rather than listen though.. it started with a missed phone call here and there, and for the first 2-3 years I just pushed past it as anyone would, but I noticed that things never seemed to just work out and get better. It got so gradually worse that I had to say something. It sounded so petty. "He ignores me" ...well just ignore him back! No, there was something so much deeper than that because most people will discontinue ignoring you once they realise you've got meaningful things to say. And why would he ignore me when the connection was so great anyway?
I just started to feel worse and worse, talking to him about it helped for a day or two but nothing actually changed. I want to say here that I consider myself lucky in this because he and I never got to a point where we started dating (I could tell the idea scared him) and we never lived together got married etc etc. Plus he didn't fly into fits of rage, he never will. But the investments were still there, I loved soccer and I loved my team even if the wonderful coach was making me lose copious amounts of sleep.
We were a team, a family, sometimes we won games, sometimes we lost but you go through it together and keep working at it. But in my mind I was completely alone, I would walk out onto the pitch feeling completely defeated long before the match even started.. how could he do this to me? How could he even call himself a coach?

I noticed how he identified himself as an alcoholic, almost as though it was something to be proud of and how overinflated his ego was. He's a great guy, why would anyone question him in such a way? But I knew him differently and that's where the isolation grew from. With hindsight, the worst of it came from trying to talk to the other girls about it which pushed me further into my little corner.. him and I liked each other but maybe I had initiated the first move and he turned me down? Maybe I was just getting back at him by spreading rumours? It was horrible, I couldn't stay but couldn't leave, something I've noticed other affected people say. I did manage to get out.. the coach and I barely speak any more which is ok, I pray for him all the time hoping he'll seek professional help but unfortunately I've lost a lot of friends in the transition, friends that I considered to be family but now I can only guess what they think of me... And the friends that stuck by me are unable to do much because they don't want to give up soccer just to prove a point on my behalf. Horrible is an understatement. It was disastrous but deep down I still think he's wonderful especially now that I've come to the realisation that he has an ILLNESS rather than a constant string of choices he easily could've made but didn't. Every day is a battle for him, every social situation.. he is constantly in survival mode and he drinks so that he doesn't have to deal with the war that rages on his mind.. I feel so so sorry for him but thankful that he has at least one friend that will never give up on him.

Thanks for reading, hang in there xx

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Close friend to someone with borderline personality disorder

Hi @SoccerCoach,

First of all, Welcome to the Forums! 🙂 I am so glad that you have reached out here to share your experiences with your close friend. You sound like such an amazing friend. Your realisation that your friend is not his illness, and that he is genuinely struggling everyday on survival mode, shows your deep level of empathy.

There are anumber of threads that might interest you here on the forums. One is by @Determined who writes about his wife's experience with Borderline Personality Disorder, here. The other thread that may be helpful is around a partner caring for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Alcohol addiction, here. 

 

Thank you so much for sharing! 🙂

 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

 

Re: Close friend to someone with borderline personality disorder

Thank you for your response and the kind words ☺

Re: Close friend to someone with borderline personality disorder

Hi there @SoccerCoach. What a sad story. I believe BPD's are very hard to understand, my son has BPD and I cannot understand him even though I feel sorry for him and want to take away the pain, I do not understand him.

He is like two completely different people - maybe there is more than BPD happening here - food for thought but this is not about me -back to you.

BPD's can be very manipulative and the ones I have known (my son, my ex husband and maybe my youngest son too) can be lovely and kind but then turn around and they are self-serving, calculating and manipultive.  There is something about them though- that scared trapped child inside, that kept me attached. Sounds similar for you.

If you are not already getting counselling I would suggest that you do, it is very helpful to be able to speak to someone that has insight but has your interests at heart.

xx

 

Re: Close friend to someone with borderline personality disorder

Thank you @Exhausted1
They are so difficult to understand, your comments brought back memories of the hell I went through (but thank you for opening up).. the deep and meaningful conversations he and I had were good and I was so proud of him for being brave but unfortunately we would be right back in the same hell by the next day and I'd be asking myself serious questions as to how genuine he actually was.. did he just say all that because he thought it's what I wanted to hear??? So frustrating.

But it's been 12 months since it all came to a solid end (me putting my foot down, cutting my losses and just getting out of there) and it's been really beneficial for me to have that time apart from him. And then just last week I started reading up on BPD and the literature gave me the resolve I needed. No idea what the future holds and whether I'll ever rejoin the team but at least my sanity is intact and these forums really are wonderful too.

I just love your comment about the scared trapped child inside. Sometimes it feels way too overwhelming but they do need someone like us to stick it out (with healthy boundaries of course.) Thank you thank you thank you and nothing but love for you and your sons. Take care 🙂
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