Lived Experience Forum

[The-red-centaur]

Nearly 2 weeks ago I decided to do something about the state of my life and move to the other side of the country.

The start was oh so high and fun...a new city to explore, new sites to see, new food to try, family to meet etc.

But then it crashed and the beginning of last week and reality hit. Like what am I actually doing, can I do this and why did i bother. I even spent my birhday yesterday in the psych ward. But for what. My life can't be fixed.

so why am I trying to do about that and do something different. Like there is no point. 

I am homeless, with no support; stuck in in a city I don't know. Its like I'm just running from people that exist in my own head and a past I can't forget. Whatever this new life was supposed to be is just a delusion. I can't escape from it, it's like I'm stuck foever. 

Why did I think I could actually change. I don't even deserve to. I deserve the pain and the torture. I deserve to be trapped here all alone. I deserve nothing but this missery I put myself through. I deserve nothing but death....

[theposterboy]

Hi @The-red-centaur 

I have sent you an email just to check in.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @The-red-centaur 

There is a lot of feelings to this post.  you talk about meeting family and loneliness.. What's the driving feelings you have at the moment? Running from yourself can be exhausting as you are always present... What is it that's in your head you want to run from? 

[saltandpepper]

@The-red-centaur Really heart breaking to read your post, I feel for you. I'm in awe you even found the strength to make such a big change for yourself and applaud the effort. Moving across country is terrifying for anyone, putting aside the baggage you're carrying, moving at all is stressful. Putting two stressful things together (dealing with past trauma) and moving across country, I think it's perfectly normal you're feeling overwhelmed. You've taken steps to make changes in your life and I can only see that as a positive.

Did you end up meeting these family members you mentioned? Did meeting them bring up some old stuff for you? Or is it possible to reach out to them for some support?

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@The-red-centaur wrote:

My life can't be fixed.

so why am I trying to do about that and do something different. Like there is no point.

---

This 👆 is exactly what we were talking about over here: Views on Depression and how harmful the concept of being "fixed" is for people with tramua. I personally don't believe in being "fixed". I believe in management. There's ups and downs and there's no expectation that I will ever not experience the effects of childhood trauma. While I don't see it as something I can (or should) "fix". I can learn to manage the shitty times so I can experience good times.

Have you ever seen a therapist who specialises in trauma?

If you're feeling stuck in the city and want to go back to where you were, perhaps applying for financial hardship at centrelink might be worth a look into? I think they also provide financial support and health services for those in crisis.

I'm wondering if being isolated and feeling that lack of support in a new city is digging up the old feelings relating to your past? If present day you is feeling the same things as little you did, it can kind of get all twisted together and intensify everything--like reliving the past trauma in the present day.

There is also another thread running that you may want to post in Survivors of Childhood Abuse Though I'm not sure if it's relevant to your particular situation, but if it feels right drop a comment in there and lean on those of us who struggle with childhood trauma.

We're all here for you, wishing you all the best

[LostAngel]

oh @The-red-centaur your trying so hard I can see that I can also see that your dealing with alot going on and you clearly do derserve support just know that us forumites are your friends and we hear you loud and clear your not alone in this we are with you sending much love and hugs LostAngel P.s please talk to lifeline for support 13 11 14

[saltandpepper]

Hey @The-red-centaur let us know how you're getting on when you have a minute

[wellwellwellnez]

I'm rootin' for ya @The-red-centaur. Fortune may not (always) favour the brave, but here that's what we're all about. And, yeah, running to vs running from. It's a biggy. Sometimes it helps to reframe the question as "who is the runner?". Not you the numbered runner. You the real runner. The natural runner.

Though your legs are steel springs that can hurl you down the track enabling you to run as fast as a leopard, they're still your legs.

I wish I could tell you the exact place to be right now. While we're working that out, be open kizmet, faith, serendipity, you're statistically fair share of luck (whatever your preference). That way you'll be at your best for finding and walking through the good doors.

[The-red-centaur]

I know I never updated you guys. I'm sorry. I feel like a waste of space. Even here where people genuinely care and want to know.

I was discharged from hospital on the 4th. Ended back in hopsital the 5th following another suicide attempt. I have been stuck in a medical ward with one to one nurse since but probably getting transferred to a psych hospital today.
I feel like it's pointless of them to keep me alive. It's a waste of resources and a waste of they're effort. I never get better, I don't think it's possible. I'm not even going to try to get out of this space. What the F*ing point.

[saltandpepper]

@The-red-centaur Glad to hear from you, was a bit worried for you. Really sorry to see you've been having such a shitty time. I feel for you. I am glad you are alive and receiving care. You don't deserve to die, and I know how hard it is living with so much pain, I really do. There must've been a good break there for you when you packed up and moved across country though yeah? Can tou remember being in a better head space back then? I wish my brain was more effective than it is right now, I'll check in again tomorrow to see how you are. Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on. I hope you can find something good to hold onto in this dark patch and know you can always check in here to talk about what's going on 👍

[The-red-centaur]

I'm over it.