Lived Experience Forum

[brandi_sixx]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm desperately seeking some advice. I've never opened up about this problem before and I've barely realized it and it's come to my attention that I cannot continue like this any longer.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I have fed off of other people's acceptance. I was teased a LOT as a kid for the way I looked, which always made me feel unworthy and inadequate. As I got older, I blossomed more and started getting more attention. I fed off of this and always wanted more, more, more. I would do so much to be accepted, to be loved, that I didn't even have my own self-identity. When I was 16, I entered a relationship with a much older guy who was very abusive. I never truly cared about or loved myself so I felt as if I couldn't escape and almost like I deserved the abuse. I thought that it meant he loved me. I let this go on until I was 21, during the relationship I grew and wisened up more than I ever thought I could. I finally realized this guy was extremely unhealthy for me and I didn't want to live that way anymore, and I deserved better. I left.

I'm now 23 and I don't even recognize the person I once was. But one thing hasen't changed - I feel my worth comes from love and attention from men. As soon as I receive some attention from a guy that I like back, I get extremely emotionally attached. I invest EVERYTHING into guys that I have just met, and I believe everything they tell me. They ALL end up leaving, and I am left devastated. Most girls can move on from the end of a relationship with some ease, but it takes me forever to move on. I think of each new person for months and months after its ended. Most importantly, I always blame myself. I go over every single thing I could have done wrong repeatedly in my mind. I always tell myself if I was prettier or better I could have kept him. Then I think of them being with someone else who is prettier and better and how much more he would like her. I don't know what's wrong with me! I enter numerous relationships with so much intensity, even when I know that I shouldn't/ the person isn't a good guy. Since every one of them leave, I am convinced that there's just something wrong with me and I'm not "enough." I expect everyone to leave me, and I am very jealous because I don't think I am enough. I can't continue this cycle, I NEED help! Thank you so much.

[coffeegirl]

Hi @brandi_sixx 

Welcome to the Forums.

I'm so sorry to hear that you were treated in such a terrible way when you were so young. It's not fair that someone took advantage of you. I have a lot of admiration for the way you came to realise you deserve a lot better and what you were experiencing was not okay.

As a teen, that's where I believe we learn how to have respect for ourselves, learn about ourselves and even love ourselves.  While most were going through that, it sounds like you were in a relationship which was teaching you the opposite about yourself.

But you can develop that self esteem and you can find that right person.

You are young and I actually feel quite excited for you that you have noticed your habits and can see that it's not quite right. To have that insight is half the battle.

It's so empowering when you get to a point when you feel as if you deserve the be treated well.

I look at dating and job interviews the same -

The purpose isn't just to sell yourself and hope they choose you, it's also so you can get to know them (the person or the company) and figure out if it's a fit for you too.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or a psychologist?

[brandi_sixx]

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@coffeegirl wrote:

Hi @brandi_sixx 

Welcome to the Forums.

I'm so sorry to hear that you were treated in such a terrible way when you were so young. It's not fair that someone took advantage of you. I have a lot of admiration for the way you came to realise you deserve a lot better and what you were experiencing was not okay.

As a teen, that's where I believe we learn how to have respect for ourselves, learn about ourselves and even love ourselves.  While most were going through that, it sounds like you were in a relationship which was teaching you the opposite about yourself.

But you can develop that self esteem and you can find that right person.

You are young and I actually feel quite excited for you that you have noticed your habits and can see that it's not quite right. To have that insight is half the battle.

It's so empowering when you get to a point when you feel as if you deserve the be treated well.

I look at dating and job interviews the same -

The purpose isn't just to sell yourself and hope they choose you, it's also so you can get to know them (the person or the company) and figure out if it's a fit for you too.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or a psychologist?

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 Thank you, your reply means a lot.

You're right, I never really did learn to love myself. My definition of loving myself in my teens was getting guys and other people to like me and feeling good about myself when they did. All I want to do is feel happy with myself and know that I am enough on my own. I just don't know where to start. I've seen a counselor to cope with my abusive relationship and my anxiety issues. We talked a little bit about my self-esteem issues but mainly on not choosing another abusive relationship. I think I could definitely benefit from seeing one now.