Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Good morning @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Angels333 @saturnzoon @cutiepiekitty @Scarecrowe 

Sending warm wishes and the hope that today is one of the better ones and is starting gently.

@Former-Member  in no way are you a burden here.  Sharing here can not only mean you find some support, but also can help clarify things in your mind about what's going on.  That's what we're here for.  You're not alone now that you have us here.  Hope you are able to get some rest today.  Maybe jot down some notes to take to the new GP about what you are going through emotionally and mentally.  The more  you are able to tell them, the better they can help you.  Take care today my friend.

@Former-Member @saturnzoon Re centrelink paperwork - if I get too stressed over it or can't do what they want online I go to their office and get them to do it for/with me.  It does take longer as you usually have to wait a while to see them, but it makes things easier to jump through their hoops.  I believe they are being discriminatory expecting everyone to be able to do these things online and I don't hold back on telling them why I can't do it - it's one place where I let my disabilities show in all their glory in order to get the help I deserve.  Also I take notes during phone calls and you can get a receipt number for the call at the end, so you can go back and prove it happened if you ever need to.

@cutiepiekitty  I hope you had a better night.

@Appleblossom  I plan to get sil or bro to park my car on the street the night before so I don't have to try to get it out of our blind driveway on busy road.  Already having lots of 'what if thinking' about the lessons but doing my best to take a deep breath and let go of them when they arise.  No amount of energy spent on that stuff in advance is going to change what actually happens on the day.   Knowing that doesn't stop it from happening tho'!

@Angels333   seeing the results of the activity you organised will be a really good feeling for you I reckon.  I am sure they will look amazing.  Good on you for doing it.

Hugs back atcha @Shaz51   hope the kidney stone episode has passed.  

Today I have a GP appointment this morning with my support worker (usually don't have anyone on a Thursday) and no other comitments later which is good. 

Yesterday afternoon there was another drama with another one of the women in the womens group I joined (offline) - more alarm for others in the group who are simply  not equiped to deal with this sort of thing.  The group is not only for people with mh challenges and in no way set up for crisis management ... meant to be just a nice safe way to meet new people and do some fun activities.  Don't get me  wrong,  I do want to support as much as I can, but am finding I also need to have some boundaries about how involved I get in these situations because of how it affects my MH and because I am so new to the group.  I am clear that I do not want to be put in the position of being the go-to person for people in crisis from that group.  Have shared already with the group a lot of resources and ph numbers, including chat and crisis lines, and also a lot of info about self-care activities.  I have now talked with the administrators and they are going to work on guidelines and a 'mission statement' for new people to see while they are deciding whether to join the group.

Ok that's my rave for today !  

On a positive note I emailed a few potential new coordinators of NDIS supports yesterday morning and have already heard back from 2 of them.  Have to bite the bullet and ring NDIS to find out what I have to do to change CoS at their end, because CoS invoices go directly to the NDIS and not through my plan manager and I need to end one service agreement (with the old CoS) and do a new one with new CoS - not sure if they can overlap or not.

With all the above, plus looming driving lessons and a bunch of other stuff going on in my life I am feeling like I am juggling with too many balls in the air!

Hoping to find my centre again with quiet time this afternoon.  Plus all supports for tomorrow have been cancelled (not by me) so I've got some space then too.

Have a calm day if possible everyone and if not ... remember to breathe!

[cutiepiekitty]

Morning @eth 

Had a bit of a disturbed night. Had a letter in the mail that upset me yesterday (nothing bad, just the idea of it). It was just suggesting a medical test and it was a trigger

Have craft this morning so should be ok.

[Former-Member]

@eth 

@cutiepiekitty 

@Angels333 

@Appleblossom 

@Gazza75 

I managed to get an appt with dr. I need to explain a few things to her. Ive also touched base with the person so far dealing with my case.

Im going to try & head in to c the manager of DVA to let them know why this is overwhelming me so much.

Most people think i should just b excited about getting $ but it was never about that to me.  Its about the truth coming out how i lost all my security at age 19. The mess it left me & fact i have never been able to regain any sense of security. Its about the true impact sexual harassment assault & abuse has on a woman. 

I have cried heaps so far today. I cant do anything today. Ive left a message with psychologist just in case he gets a moment to speak to me cause i wont c him til Mon. They didnt have any appts this wk. Because im so strong & resilient people just dont get how much its affected me. Surviving moving surviving etc.

So much is upsetting me at the moment.

All the yrs of searching for help to fix my back then all the bullying to try & stop me. Running from gym to gym to get away from the nasty untrue gossip to hurt me. When all i wanted to do was fix my back. The $ i spent on fixing it to get out of pain. Everyone got something from me & now i think what was it all for because no1 is going to do what i did so i really cant help anyone. People get given exercises by people to prevent surgery but they dont do them. Its easier to sit back & complain & say oh poor me i have to have an operation. 

People just dont help themselves. Everyone in Melb said get out of here its horrible here. But none of them left but me. 

I go to c a show & am surrounded by crippled up people. They will gladly spend $50 on entertainment but wont spend a cent on their body . everyone wants a quick fix too. There is no quick fix it took yrs for your body to get damaged & will b a few yrs of hard work fixing it. 

I remember when i quit nursing at 22. I couldnt care about anyone else cause i was just in so much pain myself.

It feels like im right back there.

Especially caring for no $. 

[eth]

Hi @cutiepiekitty  hope your craft morning helped you feel better today.

Hello @Former-Member great to hear you will see the Dr soon. The more you can tell them the better they can help you.  Hope your psychologist gets back to you soon too.   When I was a massage therapist (for nearly 30 years) I reached a point where I became really frustrated by the fact I was showing everyone what stretches and moves they could make to prevent their physical discomfort and most of them not doing them.  Then I was online one day and came across a description of 'compassion fatigue' - it fit me to a tee, I felt such relief to know it was actually a thing and I was better able to accept it and change the way I approached my work ... saved me a lot of what felt like largely wasted effort.  You might be interested to google it.

Hope you are feeling a bit better by now.  

Take care both of you.

[Former-Member]

@eth 

I just think its not my nature to care for others. I feel too much.

I trained under an exercise physiologist. Theyre the leaders in this industry. Lady i trained under was initially a pilates teacher then she realised she couldnt help people so she then got her masters in her field. She worked at place i met her & the group fitness instructors who arent in it to help people rather just $ les mills prevented people from seeing her. So thats why they bullied me when i saw her. 

You see its different with exercise. I did yoga for yrs thinking stretch this that. 

But once u see an exercise physiologist they go straight to the root cause. Give u right exercises that pulls entire body into allignment. Im now got almost full flexibility just from fixing the root problem.im more flexible than most yoga teachers. I had yoga teachers pts so many in Melb that saw me crippled up then straight asked me what i did. I only saw the EP 3 times.

I have it stated on my fb page it takes a team to fix ur body.  

Thing is im the only person telling people to c an exercise physiologist. 

Its why i went into bodybuilding in my 50's. Once i understood the mechanucs of the body & did what she said i could feel within 2 days it was working. Ive never returned to another yoga class or another group class.

I just dont think i can do a job helping people. I knew that with nursing. Cause no1 was ever there for me. 

Im a very self disciplined person.

What i did is apparently gold in this industry but thats because its my nature & i was so desperate to c how much i could straighten my body.

I had massage therapists asking me too. What i did cant b done tho without the use of one piece of equipment in a gym. Women 55+ wont go into a gym tho so i know i cant help them. 

At the classes in the gym i share my secret & tell them what equipment how to use it & how to massage their glutes for free. But in the hall i cant help them. 

Im just wasting my time. Im better off using my time to work more on piano as thats nurturing me !!!! 

I cant give because im not receiving.

Theres no balance at all!

No $ in this industry. People complain about paying $10. Im working for $10. Thats a joke for the knowledge i have.

No wonder the ep quit teaching pilates cause it doesnt fix ur body nor does yoga. Nor does boxing etc etc.

I cant do this cause i have nothing coming back to me.

I cant lie to people & pretend its going to fix them when i know its not.

Its a total dead end im better quitting now & keeping my secret to myself.

No1 was ever there to help me. No family no friends all my life. Its just always been me.

Im going to let this dr know how out of line she was in telling me forgiveness will fix complex ptsd. She has hurt me so much. I forgave my mother & let her back into my life & she revealed in hurting me. Kick u whilst ur down. 

So i was forced to stay away from my family

U c i didnt do the course to teach. I did 8yrs of fixing my body. The course taught me nothing. But people who dont have to fix their body do these courses & earn $. The aqua teacher here. Taught for 25yrs is asking me now how to fix her body. My posture makes them feel intimidated. She got the job tho & i spent those 25yrs doing things to help me stay alive.

I should never have taught.i should just stay right away from helping people cause it only upsets me.

Lollipop duty doesnt upset me. Army didnt upset me.

Nursing upset me.

Ive avoided carers jobs for yrs i just didnt think this would b another god damn carers job.

[cutiepiekitty]

Hi @eth  and @Former-Member 

Managed to make it through craft with help but am going to spend the afternoon in bed! Was triggered again when we got our newsletter because it again mamogram which is something that terrifies me and I am not going near!!! Too much personal. 

Others came and were helping me try to stave off panic, a couple realise when things are not good and try to help even when they do not know what is happening. They have no idea on the trigger because I can't tell them. 

Then I felt overwhelmed at the way others were showing me love. I am not used to that and have never had it. It was just little things. Someone bought in a book they had finished reading and gave it to me, another made my coffee, and the one that really got me was when one gave me a wonderful present! She has been away for just over a week and bought me back the most beautiful scarf and a dozen nougats. I find such things as gifts for no reason hard to get as I have never had them. Just felt so loved, and have trouble accepting that I deserve it. I have been told I do but still am not at a stage where I believe it.

[Former-Member]

@cutiepiekitty 

I relate to feeling unworthy of receiving.

Im glad they were nice to u 

[cutiepiekitty]

Thanks @Former-Member  Glad someone understands. All I could manage to do was give her a huge hug and tell her that I love her! I know I have some very special people around, but they can't ever fully understand what things are like for me because they have not been t here that I know of. I am very grateful for such people

[cutiepiekitty]

I have tied the scarf onto Monkey. He is where I go when I am panicking, overwhelmed etc. So I have wrapped it sort of like a sari around him. That way I hope that as well as him comforting me it will help me to remember that R chose to buy that on her holiday for me and loves me enough to give it to me. Also the texture being different to Monkey will hopefully help me get a grip on grounding which I am trying to get a grip on

[eth]

How lovely for you @cutiepiekitty to receive those gifts.  Random acts of kindness go a long way sometimes.  Hope that resting this afternoon helps you feel better.

@Former-Member  I have to say that with 'fixing' the body I believe it's different strokes for different folks,  horses for courses as they say.  Different things, or combination of approaches work for different people.  And within any profession there are workers with different approaches and some more effective than others more because of who they are and how they treat people than the actual method used.  Just what I think.  I don't believe there's any one specific 'secret method' that works for everyone no matter what state they are in.  Same goes with physical health or mental health.  30 years of working with bodies taught me not to be righteous about my own approach.    Just thinking out loud here.  I am 56 and started working in bodyworks at 19, and have done over 30 semester units at a tertiary level of study as well as my work experience.  Some massage therapists and body workers only do a couple of weekend courses before they start having customers.  

I do think it would help you to read about 'compassion fatigue' as I suggested earlier.  It really helped me at one stage.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion_fatigue