Lived Experience Forum

[Mazarita]

@Danzig great that you are moving forward yourself, with or without a psychologist at this exact time, doing things you enjoy and finding the positive where you can. Good idea with the spreadsheet to keep track. With that level of organisation about it, I feel sure you will be able to find a psychologist before too long.

Also glad to hear you have an ongoing GP who is engaging with what may be needed right now to help get you through. I personally find my GP of 10 years the absolute centre of my ongoing treatment, for mental and physical health. I am very lucky to have found her and hope you have luck with your mental health journey as well.

[Danzig]

Thanks @Mazarita, my GP was excited that I had a spreadsheet keeping track of all the places that had no availability or whatever date their next available appointment was.  Although she was surprised, she knew it was tough, but didn't expect to see such a long list of places I couldn't get into (in a reasonable time frame).
So I ended up getting a prescription, my GP was happy to go either way if I didn't want to go down that path yet, but I really just had to push the decision back to her, I don't feel like I'm the right person to make that call.  Everytime I have a good day I feel like this is all unneccessary and I should just forget about it, then I have to remind myself how bad I've been in the past, which is a little depressing by itself.  But if I wait and see how bad I get next time, I know I won't be up to asking for help at that point.
Just put myself on autopilot and going through the motions for now, the world isn't going to stop for me.  Trying make sure I keep doing things I enjoy, but I've been sleeping a lot less the past week, hopefully that's not going to last too long.  Just no point going bed if I'm going to lay there awake, although I seem to be functioning just fine.
So back to the GP in a couple of weeks to see how I'm going starting on medication for the first time ever.... It's just so much to process right now, I'm waiting a couple of days before I start taking them (GP said to start when I'm ready and see her 2 weeks after that), thought I might have some drinks with a friend before I give it up entirely, I know some people are fine mixing alcohol with antidepressants, I just don't really care about drink that much, but I do really enjoy a few social drinks.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Danzig 

Glad to hear your GP is so supportive and helpful. My story about starting anti-depressants is that I held out for about five years after first seeing a psychiatrist before I started them, very depressed all that time. It certainly gave me relief but they do often bring their own other problems too. For me though it became apparent I was never going to 'get better' really and just couldn't go on living life that way. Like you, I have good days and bad days. Isn't it weird how on the good ones we can feel like there's nothing at all wrong in our lives.

Wishing you well with the next steps, and hope today is one of the good ones for you. 

[Danzig]

Thanks Mazarita, I completely forgot to reply when I first read this, but your insight is greatly appreacated.

I'm coming up on two weeks on medication now, I had what I guess I'd call a close call or near miss with self harm last night, I didn't do anything, I was so close.  I'm just all over the place at the moment, I hear that's common when starting out with this medication, I've got a follow up with the GP on Friday to review at the 2 week mark, I don't want to be keeping any secrets and I really don't want to have to admit to breaking a 12 year run without self harm.  I don't feel like I'm a suicide risk lately, even through those thoughts are often front of mind.

This whole process has caused a lot of introspection as I mentally prepare for some tough conversations and I realise that I genuinely don't know how I feel, beyond good, bad or somewhere in between, but somewhere in between is probably what I feel 99% of the time, like I don't realise I'm slipping until I'm at the edge.
But I know I'm heading down the right path, just hanging on and hoping medication gets me through to whenever my first physchologist appointment is, I'm expecting a call back next week to actually get something booked.  Now I just need to find my motivation at work, that seems to have performed a bit of a vanishing act.
Oddly I feel like I'm most anxious when I have no reason to be, I just had a meeting with the CEO to discuss a major proposal we need to submit in less than 2 weeks, everyone is stressing about the almost impossible deadline and I just felt relatively relaxed in the meeting, yet I spent the whole morning feeling like I couldn't do anything because I was so tense.  I don't know, just thinking out loud.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Danzig 

Yes, the start of new psych medications often has brought some instability and weirdness for the first couple of weeks before things start to really improve. For me, this has particularly been especially case with anti-depressants.

Good on you for resisting the temptation to self harm. Really glad you are so proactive about seeking treatment now to reduce the possibility of suddenly finding yourself in a deep hole from which it may be hard to step out.

Interesting to read about your experience of meeting with your CEO without anxiety, but struggling with it when there is not really anything to worry about. I am so similar in some ways. I even amaze myself at what I can do sometimes even in the way of public speaking. Meanwhile my usual social anxiety means I can still find it so hard to step out the door in my regular daily life.

We humans are complex creatures. 

[bipolarbunny]

Hang in there @Danzig 

Covid has really stretched the mental health system. I am in country Victoria too and I had to wait 12 weeks to see my new Tdoc and 8 months to see my new Pdoc.

But it was worth the wait. I think a lot of psychologists are doing Telehealth now, it's not as scary as it seems and it will allow you more choices and opportunities to find someone. 
I know it's an excruciating wait and ringing for appointments is daunting, but hang in there. You'll find someone eventually just don't give up. Definitely spoil yourself with activities that make you feel better or at least distract the anxiety by keeping busy until you can finally see someone. 
Sending you lots of hugs and support. 
BB 🐰❤️