Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

For those of you who don't know my story here is a short version:

@Former-Memberthis is my story

Between the ages of 9-12 yurs of age I was sexually abused by 3 different people at different times.  Two were family members and one a neighbour.

I somehow blocked it out of my mind for about 40 yrs. It wasn't until i started seeing a psych for work related stress and after 4 sessions my childhood abuse started to come out.  It was devastating to say the least.

I then decided to tell my husband but was very scared on how he would react and if he would leave me. So in a session with my psych I told my hubby. It was so difficult to tell him, i was reading a letter i wrote to him in between sobbing.  After 8 months I decided to tell my parents; that was hard.  I rang my mum and asked if she would come with me to see my psych in the hope that i could tell her with him there for support.  She said she wouldn't come and kept asking me what was wrong.  i told her i am suffering depression but she knew there was more to it. One day she rang and kept pestering me so I blurted it out 'i was abused as a child'.  she wanted to know by whom to whichy i told her about two of them but not one because he is my brother. I couldn't tell her about him.

For a week she was supportive saying to me 'we must go to court and press charges' but then she chnged for the worse.  i remmeber she rang me and said 'i need to see you, come this saturday' but her tone was very harsh, she sounded cold on the phone and angry. I remember the night before having a friend over nad she kept saying to me 'you need to tell your mum everything'. i was so scared to go that i got on the phone and rang my psych and told him to pls admit me to hospital; i was sobbing, shaking, felt sick in the stmach.  he said it would be really good if i did go and see my mum, talk to her and see how it goes and to call him after i see her.

Saturday morning came, i was a nervous wreck.  hubby and i turned up at my parents home.  my mum answered the door with a very cold hard look on her face. she showed no empathy towards me at all.  just cold.  i asked where dad was and she said 'oh no he isn't here he doesn't want to see you or hear what you have to say'. we sat down and she started yelling at me saying 'how dare you wait over 30 yrs to tell me about this; how dare you tell your sister first before me:. she was pointing her finger at me and yelling.  i was sitting and sobbing so much.  i said to her 'i didn't wait that long tyo tell you i just remembered now. i explained i had written a letter to her to explain my depression and abuse and she yells out 'i don't want to know about what you wrote'.  she then turned to hubby and said 'you are not a man because if you were you would have come to tell me first', i turned around and said no he is supporting me and didn't have to tell you first.

as she kept going with her abusive language and finger pointing, i got up and grabbed my bag and said I'm going.  sobbing so much i walked out of the hosue with hubby following me and my mum behind.  she turned around and said 'oh well you have a good life and me and dad will have our own life'.

i got into the car and was hysterical, sobbing so much that i gave myself a migraine.  i rang my psych and couldn't even speak.  he told my hubby to watch her today and call the hospital if i needed to go in.

i got and went straight to bed, crying so much.  For 4 1/2 yrs they didn't speak to me.  i sent my dad a birthday card and present that year and she posted it back.  i posted the letter i was going to read to her and she posted it back.

Then my grnadma passed away and i thought i would go.  why i dont know.  i ran to see them again.

seeing her was no big deal, but seeing my dad it was an emotional reunion.  a hug i will never forget. and one i so need now.

during that year, she was becoming distant towards me.  i would call and she would not answer or if she did she would be very cold towards me and after literally 3 mins she would say she had to go.

i then was in hospital and i didn't tell her thinking oh well she is not interested in myu life so i won't bother telling her.  she called home and hubby mentioned that i was in hosptial as she wanted to speak with me.  she then calls me at hosital and the abuse started again.  this time she goes to say again 'how dare you not tell me straight away. and her last words were - you have betrayed the family.  with that i hung up the phone and threw the phone.  i called for a nurse and he came in and saw i was a complete mess, gave me some meds to calm down and said i am not to speak to my mum while in hosptial.  that was June 2015. 

to this day i have not contacted her; yet i so wish i could contact my dad.  he turned 80 last month and i didnt' send him anything or even see him.

Coming from a european background family is everything. it is the main thing in a family to be together . but not my family anymore.  My parents have missed out on my children's 21st, my 50th and now my daughter's pregnancy and birth.  they have missed out on so much.

i am broken, i am hurt, i am crying right now; it's hard for people to understand unless you have gone through something like this before.  i get sick of frineds saying 'oh you just have to get over it' easier said than done.

to this day i am still having visions of my abuse; i get very angry where i want to SH to 'get back at my parents';

[Former-Member]

     @BlueBay 

Thank you for sharing your story and im sorry you had to go through all this, but your very brave in sharing it with others. your not alone with the abuse as i was also abused by someone i thought was close to me as well and what seem ed like it went on forever and at one point i thought i was pregnant- i was only 16 at the time.

Disclosing it esp for the first time is extremely confronting, devastating and very overwhelming so well done for allowing that to come out and share your story.

your alot braver than you think @BlueBay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im really sorry your mum and dad doesnt support you but it sounds like your husband was supportive of you which was great..

it sounds like a lot to deal with and with minimal support well that doesnt make it any easier. ive been told by all my friends and family to just ' get over it' grow up' 'cowboy up' but its not that easy.

though i cant fully share the extent of the sexual abuse as you had three and i only had one, i can share the feelings and thoughts that associate with the abuse. i can also share the feeling that associate with the abuse. i can also share the feelings that your feelign such as hurt and broken and i also often result in using SH as a strategy- i dont reccomend to do as it becomes like an addiction which is what im dealing with atm.

i think maybe its your mothers loss and fault( but definently  not yours at all!!)in a way as shes the one that pushed you away and is missing out on your life, your beautiful children and now grandchild lives and she is probably regretting it herself.

But your not alone on here @BlueBay, w are all here with you for anything you need, good or bad or jsut general chit chat, whatever you like. i only began talking on the forums myself and wrote my stoy out on here not that long ago and that in itself is extremely hard!

im extremely proud that you decied to share your story @BlueBay. i think your very brave and courageous as well as caring and empathetic and a whole load of other great and amazign things too.

sending you lots of hugs!

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Former-Member ❤❤️
It has been a very tough mentally and physically long 7 yrs.
It still hurts. The pain is still raw at times Sh is always on my mind. And I miss my dad so so much.
I appreciate your reply and your support.
I am here for you too cause I know it must be hard for you too.
Love having you here on the forum. And by the way you are so creative with your drawings.
BB xxoo

[Former-Member]

that ok @BlueBay i wanted you to know your not alone

i still have alot of trouble with flashbacks and weird feelings within me associated with the abuse.

i already tried that tonight @BlueBay and it didnt work for me 😞

an im glad you like the drawings, your welcome in the garden anytime

[Change123]

Hi @BlueBay

Boy that must have felt good to get all that out - very very proud of you!!

I do know how you feel I got the same response last time I spoke to my mum about 5 -6 years ago.  I did not have anythjing to do with her for aobut 8 years and then she called me on my birthday and I decided I would tell her everything how she made me feel and how she didnt protect me over my dads abuse and she just screamed and screamed the phone down at me not even listening to a full sentence.  I did the same just hung up and have not contacted her since.

I dont know if you feel the same but I definitely dont miss my mother but I miss the mother and father I never had! I try to think now well she is the one who is missing out, her small minded approach has caused this.  I'm of european decent always so I know what family means but in my family it was all a facade. 

@BlueBay you are probably better off not having your mother in your life just as I am - they seem to never understand and are just looking to blame because they cant admit that they have a part in this.

Take care!

[BlueBay]

Hi @Change123
I'm hurting because I miss my dad so much. I am sad because of the way my parents are. And their behaviour. I am sad at the loss of my parents. And it hurts so much.
It's hard being of Italian background. Family is so important but not the way my mum is at the moment. I don't miss but i miss the relationship we should have had.
It doesn't matter my life has changed. I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to it.
Yeah I got blamed for everything in reg to the abuse. It was all my fault.
Thankyou for understanding xxoo

[Change123]

You have your own family to concentrate on now and to be happy with.

As I say when I'm feeling down about my parents 'to hell with them"! Its not your fault they treated you or me the way they did, its their fault and they still havent dealt with it - so who is the mentally ill - us who know it and try to change or those who dont know it and keep inflicting pain on the ones they are meant to love? I dont know if I will get used to it, I still dont know how I would react if I bumped into my mother or sister....... But I know I dont need their approval anymore!

[BlueBay]

Hi @Change123

the more I think about my parents the more angry I get.  You know it just makes me angry how they can act the way they have. 

I know they are from a different generation to me but I just can't accept what she has done and said to me.  My dad didn't say one word bad to me or about me, well i guess because he wasn't even there when i went there.  and he is so quiet, such a hard working man who did so much for his children. he worked hard to give us a better styart to life than he did. 

but she is such a hard mum.  she is so controlling and wanted everything her way and she got her way with me even up until 7 yrs ago.  when i look back i did so much the way she wanted me to. and i couldn't answer back or say no because that would have been disaster.  and then i would feel that i didn't have her approval or her love for me.

you see, i always thought that if i did what she said to do then i would be 'in her good books' i would be 'the good daughter' - and now i am in tears because i am not the good daughter, am I? i have caused so much crap and it's all the memories that have started this.

Well i don't care about her anymore, i don't give a shit about her anymore.  All i care about is my dad.

[Change123]

Unfortunately I was the same, I did everything expected of me for the family, everything to get that approval which I never had.  To make it worse we bought our house within a tiny budget so it needs lot of renovations but everytime my mum would come over she would screw her nose up like the place was beneath her and then the clencher was when we talked last and I tried to tell her how I feel she threw at me " look how you live, you should be in a nicer place".  Then another time in a shopping centre I had an incident where a guy tired to grab me and make me kiss him, I fought him off and ran off and all my mother was concerned about was that I didnt get him in the nuts, my partner says "well she got away so she done the right thing - it doesnt matter where she punched or got him" but oh no she had to go and on about saying quite seriously to me "I dont understand why you just didnt get him in the nuts and then that would make me question myself on how hopeless I was. Well now I'm in the same place as you, I'm not the good daughter anymore - I'm probably not considered her daughter at all and yet she doesnt even know about my BPD.

WE ARE BOTH GOOD! maybe not good daughters to what our mothers would say is good but thats because they are not good mothers and dont care about their daughters feelings or what they can do to make it better.  THEY ARE BAD MOTHERS and there is nothing we can do to change that.  I know I am so much better off like this without her, I shudder to think what hold she would still have on me if I didnt break away and how much worse my BPD would be. Yes, like you I'm sad about the situation but thats because I desperately want what I havent had all my life, a mother who loves me and cares.

You havent caused the crap she has, remember that a normal loving mother would want to listen and help you at least thats what they tell us as I dont know either!

Take care will post again in a few weeks, fingers crossed on that house!

ps sorry this took a while to answer you didnt realise post wasnt put up initially, then I had to rewrite some of this.

[BlueBay]

@Change123
So much tears while reading this. Not you just that I miss a lot of things.
I'm sorry I'm emotional atm. 😥