Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

I think your questioning of the current situation is entirely natural @CheerBear There is a lot of that going on in my world too. Despite things going okay - especially with work - I am very tired and not coping very well with life. Work seems to be harder to get to and get through at the moment. I don't feel like it will all come crashing down but the thought has definitely been there. I can see the signs but I see that as a good thing as I can head them off at the pass - as much as I can anyway - to try to prevent that crash happening.

With knowing how we react to certain things comes the experience to know how to deal with them - at least to recognise things are not quite right and begin to put things in place to avoid them or deal with them when they come.

Part of having such a long history of negative experiences is the inevitable questioning of if positive things will last because we certainly are not used to them. It is very natural that you will be questioning whether you are in a turning point in your life and if you can trust where you are presently at. It is so much harder for those of us with an abusive and negative history to feel like this will not last and those feelings that the inevitable crash will come are very prominent in our thinking - history becomes our enemy here and sadly those negative feelings often rule our thinking. So you are not being negative right now in thinking that things will not last - you are going on your own lived experience. What is different is that you are questioning these things while you are having positive experiences and that may infact help you deal with any negative things that come your way.

I believe you have a strength now tht has grown through the years and that has been shown over the past few months with everything you have had to deal with and get through. Much of what you have had to deal with have been really Big things nd yet you have done that with a really positive outlook. I personally think you have come to a turning point in your life. That does not mean that the world is filled with sunshine and rainbows and will continue to be like that forever - that is not how life works - but you certainly are in a place that you can deal with most things with perspective and insight.

Whatever happens in the future CB you have the tools to deal with it and the support in place to help you along the way. We of course are here with you also and will continue to encourage you, care for you and support you. We don't know what the future will hold Hon but we can work every day to be a better version of ourselves - and that you are doing everyday. I have faith that you will continue to improve in all aspects of your life and hope that the future will present you will much more positivity and light 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Morning @Zoe7 @CheerBear @@and anyone else around .....

I think what you are both talking about here is at the core of my D3’s melt-down last night.  After agreeing to go to the movies, to have firstly her dad pull out, then at the last minute her brother too, it felt to her as though her world, which has the wobbles in it again, was de-stabilising further and heading for a crash.

While not accounting for her dad (that was part of his power-play mentality after he took he kids to what was supposed to be an all-of-us-in family movie in my absence last weekend, and this was the kids asking to see it again with all-of-ya-in this time), the reason her brother pulled out was exactly as you have said ..... applying the safety net because he suddenly reached that point of overwhelm and something had to give .... he chose what would give rather than waiting to see what gave way on its own.

ironically, D3 is in the process of doing the same with her course, but in the background is Mr.’s new mid-semester-break-holiday-plans rollercoaster, with mil on board .... and he added a let’s-get-the-married’s-here-for-Easter-and-all-stay-under-one-roof rollercoaster,  along with a let’s-change-the-art-space-to-better-accommodate-visitors rollercoaster .....

Any cause for a melt-down, do y’think ???!!

It was actually another of my baby dragons that spelled something out to me, that y’all can probably relate to ..... most, if not all of them, are glass-half-empty people.  That was a gob-smacking revelation, along with the fact that they can identify it in each other .... and here’s the thing ..... it’s as major a coping tool for them as my glass-half-full outlook.  They would rather anticipate the worst and prepare for that, knowing that the worst is unlikely, so anything that does happen is better than that, and therefore manageable / doable.  There is no right-or-wrong approach to that world view .... it just works one way for some, and the opposite way for others.  It’s what you have both come to terms with already, and that is a positive.

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope I think the glass hal-empty approach that I seem to have is as a result of a lot of trauma and having everything in life crashing down and some stage - and yes it has become my default setting but with lots of those 'bad' experiences fuelling that setting. I agree that it is better for me to do just as your baby dragons do - see the worst that can hapen and then anything is better than that - and that I can cope with.

Much like S2 did with pulling out of the movie - there are times that just not doing things is preferable to cope with other things in my life. Right now I am doing very little apart from housework in my spare time - the necessities of life really - to be able to have the energy to get through work. I can look into the future with a negative mindset and see the crash that may come or I can continue to push through each day the best I can and choose to hope that crash doesn't come. History would suggest that I am not coping well with life at resent and that will manifest itself into a further 'crash' - but I think seeing the signs is a good start to stopping (or reducing) the consequences.

I understand D3 having a meltdown when those things in her life that she is trying to hold together do not work out her way. She sees family - and sticking together - as important for her world to function okay and when others pull out of something she wants to do it makes her feel vulnerable in her own world. You became the focus of her anger/hurt rather than those that had caused that for her - that is not okay but it is understandable. It is often those we are closest to that are the recipients of those outbursts and you being her mum and she being so close to you - she may have felt like it was okay to show her frustration with you. That is not okay but fully understandable - she loves you and sees you as her rock in so many ways and thinks you can deal with it ...but as you showed her - those things hurt and it is good to show her that her actions affect others.

If D3 changing to part time is what is needed for her to get through then so be it. I know from experience that you can push things too much and any confidence gained can be quickly squashed if it is too much of an effort to get up and get to things. D3 is making a pro-active choice to help her sustain her studies rather than getting to a stage where she will drop out again - I think that is a good thing. It takes time to build that confidence and energy to do things and maybe she has reached her limits for now on both. The self-confidence is what is most important - without that we cannot achieve anything.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Right you are @Zoe7  ....

I caught Mr. in a receptive moment just now, and explained to him what had happened last night, and how both kids reacted to multiple changes (= upheaval) in different ways ..... and could we please just put all conversation regarding change (background rollercoasters) down for a few days to allow them to settle and find their feet again.  He agreed 🎉 instead of challenging me on it.

Heading out the door now .....

[Zoe7]

That is super great news @Faith-and-Hope I hope he follows through for those few days Hon. Enjoy your day Hon. Headache is finally lifting here a little so I am going to get up and do some things myself soon. Chech in with you later 

Love and hugs to @CheerBear @Teej @Sans911 @Owlunar and all passing through also 

[Teej]

Hi @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope , @CheerBear 

im following along with lots of head nodding and thoughts but I know I can’t get hooked up in this now with my brother coming today......I’ll become obsessive over it all :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I really really want to join this conversation though 😬. Perhaps there may be time later. My brother is here until Friday so I may be awol a bit. 

Had a really stupid hard hard night last night getting through the eve of another birthday with suicidal thoughts. It all seems so stupid and logically I know that it doesn’t make sense but it’s happened again this year despite me trying to not get caught up with it. Am ok now though. 

[Zoe7]

I can imagine you would have a lot to say on this issue too @Teej and can relate to much of what has already been said. Your head nodding confirms that 

You have to place your head, your thoughts and your energy into areas that you can deal with right now @Teej and that is with your brother coming for the week. It will be quite understandable that you may be absent for a while - concentrate on what you can do and not worry at all about us here - you need to do what will help you get through this week.

If you need us we arehere for you - and if you need to vent at all then we are here to listen - that is the great thing about the forum Hon - here when and if you need but it is also okay to take time out to deal with other things.

I suspect it will take most of your energy to get through this week so know we are thinking of you and walking right beside you even when you are not here.

Hugs and hugs and hugs 

[Faith-and-Hope]

And it’s okay to not be okay @Teej .... the best you can do in the moment is enough .... you are enough ..... 💜💐

[Zoe7]

I know you have a very busy week ahead of you @Teej and probably won't check in here for some days but leaving you some of these  and a huge bunch of these 💐 to let you know I am thinking of you.

@CheerBear I hope this week begins with hope and light filling your days. Keep doing what you are doing - it is okay to feel okay - just go with the feelings and try not to let the negativity creep in with the maybes or what will happen in the future. One day at a time is all we need to do Hon 

[Faith-and-Hope]

💐💜 @Teej  @CheerBear @Zoe7 @Sans911 @Appleblossom .... anyone else around 👋